Monday, December 23, 2013

Me, My strength

I want to know what about me people think they can just treat me like shit, walk over me, take advantage of me. All I do is nice to people. Does that somehow make them think Im easy in every way?  And I wonder why I have so little friends.  I was thinking about this, when was it..I think earlier today, people treated me like this since I was a kid. I could never have a friend for life like some people I know have.  I couldn't have a friend that would stick with me throught the tough times like when I got picked on.  They would just look at it like it was supposed to happen, like it was a natural thing to do to me. Me. Then later before the year ends nobody is there for me, I was alone looking for a table to sit at lunch time.  Wondering where everyone went, and Why.  I guess sometimes I would snap out of it and go on. Then there are times I wasnt even aware of being treated bad.  Like one time there was a girl that lived on the next street from me.  It was her birthday. She had a birthday party and she invited all my old friends to it.  Well, I had just gotten a new kitten and I was playing with it when the doorbell rang, it was the girl and all my old friends towing behind her.
"We are on a treasure hunt." She said loud and a little to friendly, and I don't remember what else she said.
"I got a new kitten do want to come up and see it?" I said excitedly.   They all followed me up and I led them in my bedroom to the kitten, they oooed and awwed and they left.  After they had left I remember my mother telling me that they came over to rub in my face that I wasn't invited.   They weren't on a treasure hunt.  I wished she never told me.
To this day I can still hear the girls hidious laugh, loud and obnoxious.
I wasn't surprised that she would do such a thing. 
What I was surprised was that someone who was with her group followed through, I gave her the benefit or the doubt, she was just as nieve as I was.

To this day I still give the benefit or the doubt to people. I help them, give advice, hope that they would be there if I ever needed them. In my cases, I have still yet to be helped out, advised on, and I still have no one. My last friend decieved me as being a friend, after all the help I did for her one time I asked if she could come over and visit she plays me, lied saying she was tired after she would come over.  Come to find out she went to someone elses BBQ with a drop of a hat. She moved with out saying good bye or..thank you.
I look at it this way, I will always have myself for strength,  I will never deceive myself.  Thats why I choose not to have any physical friends. They are unreliable.

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