So my questions are when you get older, do you lose more and more of your patience with people no matter who they are? Is it something that could have been built over the years through experiences? Is there a cure?
Over the years I have grown more and more wanting to live on my own. Only I find that I want to do things my own way I daydream of having my own house, apartment, and maybe my own pet like a dog this time. Being married you learn things about the other half. Things they do that could help or hurt the relationship. In my case, I feel like the actions or lack thereof is hurting and not helping the livelihood of the relationship no matter how hard I work to improve it. It has going on for years now and the relationship has fallen into "roommate" status. Why don't you just leave? You ask? Here's why...
I have lived on my own back when I was in my early 20's. All I can remember is how relaxing it was. I come home from work and is able to immediately relax and eat what I wanted without thinking of who can't eat this and if anyone will like that.
Living alone wasn't all happy all the time. I did have times where I felt alone and no one cared if I was alive or not. The phone wouldn't ring for days. I thought about this a few times while daydreaming and found that yes there are going to be times where I will crave some company but I will have control of that; I can choose to join a book club, cooking class or anything out of my comfort zone. I can also control who to have in my world too. I don't want to be the single old lady that no one knows and starts rumors of me baking green cookies and luring kids in my house to eat them like in the 1980's "Brighton Beach Memoirs."
I have been married for 17 years now and things are changing in the verge of separation. I am neither sad or mad for the life change because I know that relationships change because people change or in my case don't. I mean I am surely not the same person I was 20 years ago and neither is he ( I think). I have learned that each year teaches you something you didn't have the year before. Adding up all the lessons, I feel like I would like my independence back and I'm excited, I have new dreams. One of them is living on my own. Some people get scared about living on their own. I won't lie I have too, but the dream is much to strong to pass up. Some obstacles have come up that have altered my dream over the years.
One issue today is the housing real estate. Owning or even renting is expensive and that may put a damper on the whole plan. Although, this plan may not happen for at least three to five years still. I have to work on my credit now too. But there are plans I can make within the allotted time. For instance, location. Where in the five years would I like to live? Live in the same state? Different state? Own? Rent? How much money do I plan to make a year when the time comes? How small or large steps will be able to make? All of these are accounted for for me to make the dream come true. I don't know if I'd be able to me the move fully. I may have to move to a place here then gradually move to where my planned location is. It will take some time.
The reason I say that I have to work for at least three to five years, is one my kids have to graduate from high school. Maybe they will move out on their own. (Hopefully) Then I will not have to worry much about "holding the family together" because quite frankly, currently I am running out of energy with that term. Secondly, I have to find my ground, to find the time, courage and keep intact with my plan. I have literally planned leaving for I think about 10-11 years now. The only reason I stayed so long is because of the kids. I am an Empathist. I don't want to have people suffer for my goals for myself. I know people out there in the world wouldn't understand because we live in the "Free World" we are suppose to have that freedom to say, "I am no longer happy, therefore I am going to leave." That's all great and all but there are also bridges you have to cross and decide whether you are going to burn them or not based on the people who have become to trust you. Those people to me are my kids. I chose to sacrifice my time for them. Plain and simple. When the time comes, I will then leave.
What I wanted to make a point on is that people's relationships are all different. Decisions to make for a break on a life's decision that was once made in the past can go both ways for both sides. The choices that one makes may impact only that person or a whole line of people. I weighed on this for years, that's why it has taken me this long to make my whole decision of leaving when the kids are out and on their own. I am not saying that when THEY are out on their own I will abandon them because I want to be single and living on my own, I will always, always be here for them no matter how far away they go. They are and always be my priority.
My dream is a work in progress and when the time comes I will know that it is time for me to take action and move forward. I have time to still tweak here and there.
