Second year...What a start...thus move forward Always Forward

Well, the second year is in just past the midterm. I have to tell you, this semester is suckin' this year.  The first sign was when my geology teacher dropped me for no reason the second day of class.  Now, I have taken 2 quizes in the archaeology class and pretty much bombed them both, got the draft paper back with a no go (which the final draft is due in 8 days), I have almost sunk deep in the quick sand of jeopardy.  My grade point average is going down right before my eyes. 

If I do go down in defeat, I shall keep my head high and keep moving on.  Yes, I know that even that my goal of the best gpa of my life has been disrupted, I know by the time I die that today and every day must go on and to never look back for it will bring me down. That isn't what life is about, it's about learning what you can handle whatever comes up...and keep moving.  Nothing will stop for a bad grade, day, or moment.  Move forward!  ALWAYS FORWARD DRILL SARGENT!  (basic training 2001)

Learning to write smart

Today I found out that the semester is really exploding.  I have papers to write up the ying yang.  I don't know if I am even going to get them finished.  I did learn my lesson, to not take an English class in the excelled class. Ugh. I am just taking a breather tonight. I'm not going to go near any of it until tomorrow.  This way hopefully my mind will be clearer and more focused. I was walking home and I told myself to look at it like credit card pay offs.  This stress is nothing new and avoiding it just makes it larger.  So that is what I'm going to do, pay off each credit card one at a time. The largest credit card I will work in little pieces. Research here and there and type as I go. Then, take a break after a page or two and later work on the other one,type page then break. Etc,etc.  I do hope it works.

Sinful as sin?

Why is it so easy for me go crazy about someone.  I've only spoken to him on Mondays and Wednesdays.  He's short and petite 5'4. He has small hands, white, like he doesnt see the sun much, hairy narrow chested, slightly bow legged, Walks confidently, has a short beard with a red tint that he likes to touch, wears wire rimmed glasses, very short light brown hair and I think grey eyes, his eyes are like Garfields eyes half opened.

You can tell I have observed his physique quite closely. Now, every night I wonder what he does alone. What time does he go to bed? Since he claimed to be a religious man does he pray before he goes to sleep?  Does he read the bible before he turns off the lights? Does he do his homework online and stays up? Do I ever run through his mind like he does through mine?

These are the questions I ask myself and realize what he meant when he said lust is distraction. NO LIE.  I want to tell him how I feel but only in the times I want him badly.  I then to calm myself and know that if I had said anything that not only would I make a fool of myself but probably never hear from him again.  I want to keep talking to him on the bus on Mondays and Wednesdays.  If that is all I can get I will enjoy what I can. :-)

I know what I feel is very bad considering I am still married but sleeping in a different room and treating this relationship as roommates, but I have desires and needs.  My social health is piss poor so I will take what I can get.

P.s. I dont even know his name.  I have to remember to ask him.

Liberation

My mom came to visit this month.  First at the beginning I am happy to see her and her  second husband of almost 10 years in who I adore.  I try too be the happy daughter happy to see her mother who now lived in Australia the last ten years after a divorce from my adored father.
When she moved to Australia, I was releived.   I have disposition toward her ever since she divorced my father after a two year affair and then fleed the country.  So, I guess my trust and an amount of respect for her has dwindled over the course of the ten years.
I have anxiety whenever she talks about moving back.  I was happy she moved so far away; I was free to do what I felt without her over me judging me and trying to make me her puppet.  So, for the last ten years I felt relaxed and myself, almost.
Now she is talking of moving back! I get a strong anxiety attack rush through me with even the thought of it.  My first thought is to move to the other side of the country; I pray the housing market rises so there is no chance of her moving back.  I don't want her here.  I don't know how to make it any clearer.
Once she said that she wants a "Proper" talk with me.  She said that everytime she comes here she doesnt have time to spend with me.  She doesn't see that I have made it that way on purpose.  I dont want to talk with her, I don't want to hear what she has to say, she judges and tries to control with manipulation. I will not!
I sometimes have the devious thought of a notice on her death. Would I be the only one who doesn't cry with grief? I have this weight vanish, sun shining on my face, birds chirping, leaves dancing in the breeze.
As I walk down the path of ecstasy, my life wil have just begun.
Stop trying to tame me.

My physiological mindset of my weight...so I think

I can't help but always be self conscious of my weight.  You see, I almost look like the weight of hers...and I am adopted.   I have no blood related characteristics from her what so ever.
But, I couldn't help but comparing my body to hers.  I vowed never to look like that, a potato. Now I am one. Sorry mom.
All my life I was always skinny, almost to the point people would ask me if I even ate.  Finally, I got to the point in my young adult hood that I was able find the strength with in myself to wear clothing that revealed my figure.  Before then I was very shy, and hid under baggy clothing such as sweatshirts and baggy jeans.  Now, I feel as though I have to wear the baggy clothes because I now weight 148 lbs with a 39in waist and 37 hips.  Everything else is getting larger to like the girth of my upper arms and I dont have armpits anymore or collar bones (visable)  I HAVE NO NECK!
I can't feel my ribs either.  I read somewhere that if you cant feel your ribs without having to dig for them you are in dire need to loose weight.  Well, that is where I am, sad sad face.
So, I have to watch what I eat, no potatoes,  pasta, bready foods, sugar, and chips etc.
Eating like a vegetarian and walking and swimming everyday I know I can conquer this health issue.
My goal is back to 130 lbs in four months. By October I will be back to smaller pants, shirts, and summer dresses!  I have a green one that I want to wear with shear confidence.  No muffin top, rolls of any kind any where.
Will I make my goal??
I will log my progress on here weekly, foods, what I did for exercise,  and where I am in lbs.
Will go along on the ride with me?

Learning along the way

Well, there goes another semester.   I have to say job well done if I do say so myself.  I have an A in Social Work and English if I get a good grade on my 4th paper and my final Ill maaaybbe get an A in that class also.  I did however have to drop my math class and accept an Withdrawal.   So I did not sign up for any math this next semester or the fall semester.   Im taking a break.  I am taking some of the electives. I hope I will enjoy them as much as I enjoyed my english class this semester.
I didn't really care for the social work teacher, I feel that teaching the subject wasn't her strong point.  I even wonder if she was very good as a Social worker either.  I guess she did know her stuff, kinda.
I do love my english teacher this semester.  She will be missed for sure. She made me look beyond what I would look at normally in assignment to the point I would literally get a headache.  Good brain work out!
I am hoping that at least one of my next classes will be somewhat challenging.  I feel like I am getting something out of it.
At the beginning of this semester,  I wanted to major in English.  I still kind of do but feel I still have a very long way to go to even scratchthe surface of anenglish scholar.  I know that Ms. Solomon helped me find my peace in this subject.  I want to write a book eventually.  
Thank you Ms. Solomon!

Just ramblin'

Im sitting here thinking what grade will I get for my rhetoric analysis paper.  Analyzing other peoples writing can be daunting.  The writing of the author I chose to analyze was published in my english text book, so I had a hard time finding anything wrong with it well not necessarily wrong with it but how the writing affected me.  I thought everything the author said was dead on and made me think openlyto what the author was getting at was that food today we eat literally is man made down to the poultry,  beef and vegetables.  Everything ee think is "natural" which is now used quite loosely.  Natural should no longer be an adjective for our food, from what I learned from Jamey Lionette's writing.

Hunger..It's All Too Real in America

The wind blew hard as we sat in the car waiting for the Junior High school bell to ring.  Josephine and Maddy chit chatted about this and that in the backseat.

“So what do you like to eat for dinner?” I asked Josephine

“Spaghetti, um, I like…we went out for dinner last night.” she said unenthusiastically.

“Oh? Where did you go?”

“To Mimi’s”

“Oh, that’s right that is your mothers favorite one isn’t it”

She nodded plainly, as if in her head it wasn’t, she is just forced to go.

“When I open the fridge there isn’t anything in it at all.” She said it as if that is what she deals with every day. Like she was used to it. The thing is, it is what she has to deal with every day.  Along with 50% of the United States of America. Flashes of the film “A Place at The Table” ran through my mind, Rosie happy to get sugary candy bars for their food box.

Gnawing tiny bites like a rabbit on the baby carrot stick Maddy gave her, I watched her and wondered if she was milking the carrot because she didn’t have anything to eat in the house and she was savoring every tiny nibble of it so she could save the memory when she gets home.

“Look! I made a carrot toothbrush.”  Holding the core of the baby carrot sticks one on top of the other steadily, smiling, an empty smile. 

She played with the cores; pretended they were braces. 
“Look, I have braces” she held it with both hands smiling with the core flat across her top front teeth.

Smiling back, I wondered if she wanted braces because it was a sign that her mother had money to afford them, if she could afford braces she’d be eating too.

I heard the bell ring in the distance, wind still blowing I wished I knew where she lived so I could driver her and her brother home. 

“I like your coat. Is it new?”

“It’s leather, we got it at..the thrift store. At a department store it would have been fifty dollars and we got it for twenty.” She went along saying “I got a purse with lots of pockets if we bought that in a store it would have been twenty dollars but we got it for half off for ten.”  Glancing out of the window, snow flew past horizontal.

“Then great thing about leather is it is a great wind breaker.”

 She nodded hard.

The large buttons on the coat reminded me of my own leather coat I have and NEVER wear.  Knowing when she will get out of the car she won’t bother to button it up.

“Let’s play the touch game.” Grabbing the blanket and Maddy tries to touch her as she shields herself with it. Squealing.  I let them play as annoying squealing in the car is, I sit watching the snow whiz by.

“Oh, there is my brother” struggling to untangle the blanket wrapped underneath her shoes, Josephine adjusted the book bag strap and tugging on the door, “bye!” Setting out and slamming the door with help of the wind she pushed herself against the wind with her coat flapping wildly.  She never bothered to stop to button the nuisance large buttons. She endures the cold wind as she walks against it.

Turning around allowing the wind to push her back as she leans into it, her arms out flapping, laughing.  I hope she eats tonight, I thought.

Process of elimination

I had to make a decision on one of my classes.  I wasn't doing well and with the other classes I am grasping them. I thought that to keep myself in tuned with the positive aspect of school I need to eliminate what is bringing me down.  So, today math is no longer a part of my weekly routine. I do have a bit of guilt because at the same time I didnt give it my all, I threw in the towel.  The weight of feeling of failing can take a toll on me.  I hope I can get over it soon enough to get on with the rest of the semester. Math has never been my strong subject. I have guess will always struggle with math except for the basics.  I think with Algebra I just cant grasp it with every day living.  Is that why it is so hard, because I can not relate it to every day living activities?
I withdrew my math pre algebra class, not with my tail between my legs but with my head held high knowing that I now can focus on my other courses.  Its funny because I thought I was going to withdraw my social working class.  Not that is the class I truly am enjoying.  Goes to show that taking steps can help make up your mine on what is best for lifes decisions.
Math will always be there.  I will take them toward the end that way I will be able to just focus on that.

Article in March Instyle

Just what I needed! Will read and review here later.

Not my goal

I do not want to look like this. ever.

Instyling Anew

I seriously need to make an attempt of bettering my wardrobe. I am looking through Instyle wearing a black Zoo York sweatshirt, grey chopped yoga pants white socks, and Crocs...yes I said it own a pair of Crocs.
With that said looking through the Instyle magazine, I want to research what is in style that I myself would wear.  Luckily, it is the March issue I am flipping through. Hopefully, I will get some ideas that will induce the need to rid of my current wardrobe.  I have started somewhat of a trend for myself. I have purchased some scarves now I have to find the ensemble to go with them.  I have gained 20 lbs so wearing nonelastic pants is now uncomfortable for me.  I actually have try a size 14-16 just feel comfortable just to sit down. 
The magazine isn't much help. Considering the models are all a size 0, I have to consider what works for my "apple" structure.

Just last night I was viewing customers of Michael Kors  opening and reviewing their new bags on Youtube.  Note, these bags cost half I pay for my rent. I thought if I'd I bought one of these one: what in the world would put in it, two: my wardrobe I currently have would be the reason the bag would not see the light of day. So I have to start with my wardrobe and slowly weedout the clothes I have had since maybe 10 years now.
So Instyle, do your thing! Help a women in fashion need!

Patience

I have two part to do and online math homework and I have no motivation to do any of it.  I don't know if it is part of my depression or just not sure of what my major is that is killing my learning motivation.  Last semester I gave a hoot about failing, now I am failing my math and I could care less.
I'm wondering there is something deeper, something that has haunted me all my life bases on my learning abilities.  I already know I don't get things right away I literally have to do them over and over again. This may be the cause of my frustration.  I see others get the class assignments fast but I always still have questions. I hate that.  I wish I could be in the norm.
I do however think that at my age I understand my learning abilities more than I did when I was Freshman in college years ago.  So I mostly tell myself that I have to be patient with how long I will get something in a class.
I will get through this.

Path

Today in SW class I think I found out what I want to do in SW.  Work with LGBT.  There are so many suicides among the LGBT youth community.  I think when a youth "comes out" they feel not that they feel free more that there is now more of a challenge to live in society. There are centers bit from the one I visited I didn't feel very welcome..not in a sense that I was driven away just that they weren't willing to help openly.
If there was a way I could be apart of the communities centers I would try everyway in the book to help the LGBT youths. 
I found this out while in class we were discussing why SW are needed in the LGBT communities and a light came on.  I feel now there is a purpose for my direction of education.  Now I think I need to research the community and find statistics, and information to understand the diversity of the community.

Disappointment but Determined

I think I put up a wall this weekend after taking my math test. It was on  the second chapter in the class I still managed to flunk it.  I did tell myself that "This is math and I have to take my time to get through it.  Even though I might have to take it over again, the class, the class over again.  I know that this is the stage I have given up in the past I have attempted college and dropped out because I thought that I won't make it any farther than this exact place in math.  This is why I chose to persevere through this regardless if I fail to the end.  I just have to get through the hard rock wall I have always faced in the past that stopped me.  This time I am finding the sledge hammer and try to break it down, even if it takes another try in another semester.
With all the fear I have had in the past of failing, I know this is the time to face it and charge through.   Stare at failing in the face and say, "I'll be back!" Because I will.

Tests..Am I ready?

OK, so I didn't take the second  math test the day I was suppose too.  I have to wait until I am ready.  I felt that the time between the chapter started and the time to take the test was to short for the content we studied. So I have to take it Saturday.  I need a great grade considering she is taking 5 points off because it will be take late. Last test which was the first chapter (smh) I got a 67%.  Not a way to start the course.  So I have been trying to find a way to calmly find my way of getting ready for the test.
I have to take it in two days...ugh

Hopeful Writer

     Well, it is another semester and the challenge is already stout. In the English Academic Comp class I am writing a paper on how to write with style.
     I just write. Never mind knowing what style.  But it is deeper than just writing plainly and distinctive, it's the reader you must put in mind with every sentence, phrase and words.  I knew that the reader would have opinions of what they read, I just didn't get that it was important enough to work harder or smarter for the audience.
     Like now, I am just writing in a venting fashion knowing there is no audience reading this...I think.  I know my vocabulary is bare to the minimum and I have to walk loong distances to achieve where I hope to be one day.  Published.
     With the classes I am taking I am learning the proper way of writing with topic sentences,  thesis statements etc...ect.
Just today I was in the stall knowing the degree I am studying for is not for me.  Today was the last day to drop.  I decided that I want to take  English Literature classes and possibly have that as my minor degree.  I want to learn not only how to write papers but to learn how people are able to write; I mean really write. Novels,  poetry, short stories and have them published.
     I know I have it in me. I know this is my sparked passion. Please let it be true and rewarding as I hope it will be.

Some people...

Remember?

I just thought about the time my mom assaulted me in my own home and I kicked her out. And the time she called me about my brother and I didn't agree with her and she screamed at me on the phone and I hung up on her.
Can you tell that I don't really feel that close to her.  She thinks that we are but it's all show.  I actually like it that she lives there in Australia. She wants to move here but I cringe every time she mentions it. Please stay there.

Reminiscing the past

Sometimes I wonder what it wold be like if I had taken a different route in my life.  Starting in '99.  Yes, I was working at a job that was going outra business from bankruptcy.  So where would I have found work? My landlord at the time was planning to unlease the house I was renting that was turned into an apartment building earlier.  Hewas planning renovate it and then move in himself.  He is currently there now.  Since all that had happened I often wonder if I would have moved to Denver if I hadn't joined the Army.  Would I be happier now?