Great Achievement

Well, it's the last day of the year 2013.  There are resolutions to be promised.  I am not going to make any promises except that I will make every effort to make this year a better one than last.
Improvement will never die.  In these efforts I have made plans and will hold myself to them.  They are emotionally hard plans but for me they are essential.  I wish to grow and build a better me.  With that, I have jotted down notes, lists, and blogged about it in hopes that will help me stay on track.
Right now, the thoughts and plans are all about me.  There are others involved but to make it right I need to find where I stand.  Then, when my feet are firmly on the ground I will break the news to the others; after I have made the move.
With the doubts flowing through my head now and again, my fears of failure seem to wash over me and steal the motivation I have built inside me.  I have to to pull myself together and reread the notes, and blogs I have written to build the strength again.
What brings me to this state? Judgment.  People who tell me they know best, that Im doing the wrong thing, and that I won't succeed. 
This is why I choose not to tell certain people what my plans are.  I need to prove to me that I am capable of achieving this for me.

Classic Movies

My favorite past time is watching Classic Movies.  I note them on twitter.  That way I can keep track of the ones I have seen already.  Right now my favorite era is the 30's.  I wish I could go in a time machine and experience that time.
I started watching the classic movies when I was in high school.  The first movies I saw was "His Girl Friday".  Later after I moved out TCM channel started.  I was on cloud nine.  Sometimes I would watch some many movies I lost track of modern news. Still even then my favorite era was the 30's.
I am now watching moves on YouTube.  Who needs cable?

Pros and cons of Cakepops

I bought a cakepop machine and I would never buy one or probably never use it again.
The easy part was making then the hard part was storing them and frosting them.  You eat them in one bite and they are gone.
You have a million of them and before you know it you really tired of them.
I'm just tired of making them...

Beginning of an End

Ahhh..finally Christmas is finally almost here.  Finally almost over.  Technically its over when the presents are opened because thats when everyone disperses to their own worlds with new stuff.   Then, I think I'll be able to breath and focus again on my future, the new year is coming up and I have plans, big change plans.  Nobody will be ready for it,  I know I will be the only one.   I have to take the chance.  I have to move forward.
I've saved and mentally prepared myself day in and day out, blogged about it, tweeted about it, trying to psych myself to go forth with it. I still have more psyching to do.  I gave myself until August.  I will plan and save accordingly.
As for my mental health, I do think that this the best plan I have had in my life.  I am doing this for myself.
I am not going to tell anyone until the it is done, that way I dont have anyone changing my mind and blocking my way.  Like my mom.  She is the last person I wany to tell believe it or not.  She lectures and yells ugh really I wont be able to handle that...ever.
With the New Year, it is going to be a New chapter.

When to Listen To Reason

I wonder if there is ever a time that I will actually see what is front of my face.  What happened tonight I should of seen that coming.  I knew of the drinking and the cocky this person gets. But today he stuck a nerve for some reason.  He mentioned something about family and they knew who they were. I know he will regret whatever he said.  The out come I won't know I defriended him.  You can't say something like what he said to me and expect any attention..I gave a few words and dismissed him.  I learned my lesson for sure. Not to be fooled by another fool.

Gone

And then it was gone...well, it will be.

Me, My strength

I want to know what about me people think they can just treat me like shit, walk over me, take advantage of me. All I do is nice to people. Does that somehow make them think Im easy in every way?  And I wonder why I have so little friends.  I was thinking about this, when was it..I think earlier today, people treated me like this since I was a kid. I could never have a friend for life like some people I know have.  I couldn't have a friend that would stick with me throught the tough times like when I got picked on.  They would just look at it like it was supposed to happen, like it was a natural thing to do to me. Me. Then later before the year ends nobody is there for me, I was alone looking for a table to sit at lunch time.  Wondering where everyone went, and Why.  I guess sometimes I would snap out of it and go on. Then there are times I wasnt even aware of being treated bad.  Like one time there was a girl that lived on the next street from me.  It was her birthday. She had a birthday party and she invited all my old friends to it.  Well, I had just gotten a new kitten and I was playing with it when the doorbell rang, it was the girl and all my old friends towing behind her.
"We are on a treasure hunt." She said loud and a little to friendly, and I don't remember what else she said.
"I got a new kitten do want to come up and see it?" I said excitedly.   They all followed me up and I led them in my bedroom to the kitten, they oooed and awwed and they left.  After they had left I remember my mother telling me that they came over to rub in my face that I wasn't invited.   They weren't on a treasure hunt.  I wished she never told me.
To this day I can still hear the girls hidious laugh, loud and obnoxious.
I wasn't surprised that she would do such a thing. 
What I was surprised was that someone who was with her group followed through, I gave her the benefit or the doubt, she was just as nieve as I was.

To this day I still give the benefit or the doubt to people. I help them, give advice, hope that they would be there if I ever needed them. In my cases, I have still yet to be helped out, advised on, and I still have no one. My last friend decieved me as being a friend, after all the help I did for her one time I asked if she could come over and visit she plays me, lied saying she was tired after she would come over.  Come to find out she went to someone elses BBQ with a drop of a hat. She moved with out saying good bye or..thank you.
I look at it this way, I will always have myself for strength,  I will never deceive myself.  Thats why I choose not to have any physical friends. They are unreliable.

It just isnt for me...

I dont know it is about me and FB.  I get on it and then get off because a certain person always has to show the exuberant trips they go on and locations they've been to.  Yes. I  get envious.  I think it hurts me because  I know Ill never beable to do whay she does all the time.  I dont even go to the movies little lone the ski park to snow shoe.  I think I might get off  FB again...it is such a waste of my time.

Yours truly, Envious

Secrets deep

I hear the ting when receiving a message on FB.  It was him, he is so cocky the message read, "call now".  I didnt know if he meant to send that to someone else or what.  I messaged back, "how?"  Him back, "phone???" I asked, "with what number or am I suppose to guess?"
The number appeared with, "or you can guess"
I began to wonder what on earth did he want to talk about.  I plugged my phone in the charger, dialed and listened to loud hard rock music, I had the volume all the way down and still had to move the phone away from my ear.  I peeked at my daughter who was on the couch watching the kindle fire with ear phones on.  She must of not heard it, she didnt seemed concerned.  The voice mail played, "the person you are trying to reach is not avail..." I hung up.  Really? Is he playing games? I am not in the mood! Placing the phone on the arm chair I turned on the movie.   Not ten seconds later the phone rang.
"Hello?" I tried to sound discrete.
"Hey whatcha doin'?" He sounded slurred.
"Watching a mov.." he immediately interrupted me.
What was his deal? You wanted to know right,  what I was doing?
I didn't have the energy to talk over him.  I had forgotten he doesn't let you talk even when he asks the question.
and The topic of his call was once again his relationship and the amount of sex he is not getting.   I myself haven't had any for I can't remember when.  What is he whining about?
We get into why and how the relationship isnt working for him still with him interrupting me.  It is exausting.  What is the point to call someone ask for their advice and not let them talk?
Big pet peeve of mine.
After a while he said that he was almost home still sounding slurred. It dawned on me that he was driving the whole time. 
I didn't know if this call was even worth the time it took.  I was glad he said he had to go.
"We'll talk tomorrow. When is a good time to talk?"  I didnt want to go through another conversation of him interrupting me as I weigh in my thoughts on whatever issue he throws upon me.  I really dont have the patients.
I said that I'll message him on fb not knowing if I will.  I felt bad for him a tiny bit.  The rest of my feelings were numb.  He is so stuck on himself and won't look outside the box.  Thats the issue.  He wont hear of it. 
During this call he explained what he had gone through in his younger years. He had been in 29 states all in orphanages.  He was in and out of the hospital due to malnutrition.   He was in this mobile stage until he was in jr. High. This is when I remember him. 
His concern now that because he was so skinny he didnt want to be that kid anymore.  So the last 12 years he worked on muscling up with diets and working out etc.  Now at the age of 39 he is "big". 
"I worked hard at that for 12,15 years."
What is he trying to erase from the past?
"Big" resembles something.   A cover of what he may have endured when he was a kid, kid even in the years I known him in Jr. High.
I remeber he would always tug at his shirts.  Even at that age I knew it was a sign of self consciousness.  He laughed with the other boys while waiting for the bell to ring.  He stood by the door eager to leave tugging at his shirt.
After the nineth grade I never saw him again until I joined facebook 20 years later.  I scrolled throught names of my class.  He would come up but to my amazement,  he was tall and..thick.  The picture was of him in a muscle shirt and sunglasses.   Immediate sign of cockiness stood out. Something changed and I couldn't get myself to friend him.  A few months went by and he friended me.
I knew he wasnt the shy quiet boy I use to watch in eighth grade.  Of course we aren't.   So why did this particular person surprise me.  Because it is a facade.  He has been doing this for so long he is believing he is no longer that "kid" he soo long wants to forget.  How can the grown calcium of this phoney shell be broken.  Just as a baby chick breaks it..slowly,  exaustingly.  I wish I had the proper training to understand how this man can release this tormented boy.  The way he is doing it is just a cover up. That boy is still in there.

Reminscing Christmas Family times

It's Christmas season and I remember more of what we did than what we got for Christmas.  I was reading an article where they had a poll of a question about how many present are the parents going to buy for their kids.  I did my poll and it was 3-8 presents.  This year is going to be tight.  I talked to my daughters about traditions that we had every year for Christmas.  One of them was putting everyone's name in a hat and we all draw a name.  The name you drew was the person you would buy a present for and the limit was five dollars or less.  I remember we would split the days we would all go.  There were six of us so we had fun going downtown to the small shops in town to look for what would be the perfect gift.
The shop that was my favorite was called the Curiosity Shop.  I was a shop that had different odds and ends nick naks. My mom and I would go in there once and a while.  I would hope to get something from that shop but I usually just looked around.  They had knitted sweaters, shawls, hats and they had letter note pads with designs on them with matching pens.  Unfortunately, I usually got one of my brothers names so I had to either go to Kmart or Walmart to purchase their gift.
On Christmas Eve, my mother would set out all the finger food for the Christmas Eve snacks while we sing Christmas songs from the Muppets Christmas with John Denver record, and Steamboat Christmas cd among others. At this time we would have "one" gift we would be able to open, that would be the one from the name in a hat game. It usually snowed a lot from were I lived so we always had a white Christmas.  After we finished eating and singing, we would all pile in the Subaru and drive around town for Christmas lights in the town.  I remember thinking what it would look like if you were Santa Clause and riding in the sky and seeing all the lights from above.  I was so happy and excited I'd thought I'd burst.  Driving ewing and awing with our heads turning right to left and trying to find the house that would out do the previous one.  Soon the drive would be over and time to head home.  We would help clean up the kitchen and head for bed.  I remember one time I would sneak in to the living room and hope to see Santa.  I would then stay awake wishing that the Christmas Eve would never end.  In the morning of Christmas day, it didn't seem as exciting, cheerful or eventful.  We would open our stockings then eat breakfast and the finish opening the presents..then we'd all go to our separate rooms and it was quiet, lonesome.  My parents would sit in their chairs reading the new books they got, my brothers would be either watching tv or putting their stuff together.  The excitement, family time was over until the next year.

Now that I have a family of my own, I haven't been able to create my own traditions.  We don't have the feast on Christmas Eve like we did and sing Christmas carols, or drive around and look at the houses like I remembered.  I miss those days.  They seemed so cheerful.

Going, going, gone...in thoughts that is

My eyes have been shut for so long.  I noticed this today.  I went to the shops downtown today and noticed a different kind of people from where I live in town.  I've always thought that everyone dressed the same.  Though it was Saturday and people aren't doing what they would have done on a week day.  What I saw were people getting together with family or friends, gathering.  I felt a sense of hope that there is life out there other than what I am surrounded with.  I can't place my finger on it and I think my daughter sensed it too.  She wanted to experience the outing again.  What was it that made me feel more alive in the presents of all those strangers? The movement? The sight that people actually do get together? I have had that same feeling before when I was there.  In fact, the last time I was there was this time of year.   Why do I feel the need to go downtown this time of year.  All I do is look in the shops. I have the need to be around other people, all year I am at home in the same area of town and don't explore anymore.
I also like to go to the shops in Old Colorado Springs.   I don't want to go there because it reminds me of someone I met and she moved.  I miss her. So I try to avoid the feeling for her by avoiding the whole area. But I love going there.  In fact I've wanted to live there.   One of my friends was looking for a place to live after her separation and we found a house for rent in that area. We went to see it but it wasnt for our liking.  She wanted me to move in with her, as a room mate until she could get her feet on the ground. I dont know why I didnt take the offer then.  Then again, I could see it now she would find someone and get married and leave me with a whole rent payment.  I see now why I didnt go through with that movement.  I have been known to sacrifice my self for others just to be abandoned or trampled on later.
This is a random entry isnt it?  Ok, well I have written all of my thoughts for now...till next time.

My first Finals...ever

Yesterday I took my final for my math class. Final.  The teacher  still hasnt posted the grade yet.  I guess that even I didnt pass I did do what I could.  I did take a lot from it.  If the case is that I will have to take it over again, I will do so with great confidence I have more now going in the class  than I did this last semester.
Now I am working on a paper that is worth half of my final in my english course.  It is due Saturday and I don't have not even a paragraph yet.  It is 11:27 p.m.  Procrastination is my biggest weakness when it comes to pressure.  All I have done was change the short story that I have to critically analyze,  write what I might write about it and watch a movie.  Tomorrow I am going to be cramming like no other considering the paper is due at 9 a.m. on Saturday at 3-5 pages.  Sigh...this is the last class of the semester, why can't I just get done and relax.  Because the final is worth 200 points and could make me or break me. All that time and effort during the semester could crumble to my feet without mercy. 
"Let's do this thing!"-Ratatouille

Being Real

Ok, so what if I don't pass the final.  I have worked and yes I don't understand a lot of it.  The quizes online shows that.  If I don't pass the final it'll be ok.  I just have to take it again (the coarse) and remember what I learned this time.  I also did pass a mile stone in this coarse, I actually made it this far.  The last few times I bailed out before half time.  In the time I have tried this, I gained more and that is what life is about, right, leaving with more than what you came with.  So yes I do feel I have gained a lot since August regardless if it isn't enough or as much as others left with.  I am doing this for my good, I will take what I can and grow it in time. 

Always take things positively, no matter how bad they seem. Grow it with what you have..time is on your side.

College after 30

This year I decided to do the real thing...college.  Not the trade school 10 month training school but the actual college with semesters.  August was the first month I started and I took the placement test.  I had to take english compression beginners and basic pre algebra. I bought my supplies, stapler for my essays, hole punch for the work that is handed back, I have to keep everything incase a grade isnt logged right.  I bought a new laptop with the windows 8. I felt a little apprehensive considering I have done this before like ten years ago and flunked out from the algebra class. As the months went by, I felt I was getting in the swing of things.  I was doing the homework and keeping up wish the classes.  The one thing I did have to get used to was that the math homework was all done online. Maneuvering through the site was a new experience.  I was used to doing homework writing everything down.  What I like about the online homework it has helpful assistant icons to help understand a problem and walks you through it.  I really could of used that ten years ago.  In the english class it's a bit of a refreshet coarse, how to write an essay with word cited, grammar,  proper punctuation. To be honest I love writing.   I am not good at it at all but I think it is the side of the brain hemisphere it uses is exhilarating.   The teacher has us read a short story and write about it by explaining different aspects of the reading.  It really made me think hard in a way I normally dont thing about things I read.   This class made me look deeper in what I read of different kinds of writings there are out there.  Because of this class I was going to change my learning course to English literature instead of what I am currently studying for Social Worker...I really think I am going to change the major.

With all that I have learned in the first semester of my College academic learning, I have a open mind than I did when I was nineteen.  I have more focus and understanding how to study, and learn how I can learn.

I am very hopeful I will succeed in the years to come in college, after all I have more to lose now.  Time.