The ride

"Hold to your seats because it's going to be a bumpy ride." -Bette Davis in "All About Eve"

At Wit's End

Ok, so it's like I can't get what I have been wanting for 7 years.  Finally I get up the courage to take that one step to get it started and at the end it all falls through...almost, I am shooting before loading but that is where I feel where I am. I don't know if the BAH paper will come in on time and most importantly the Finanial aid will go through....I have never had such bad luck and bad timing in my whole life.  What is this?! I have had thoughts about what if this doesn't follow through and I became stuck still in this relationship I am hating so bad right now...I'd kill myself just to get out.  It isn't  that the relationship is abusive, or anything I just cant live like roommates anymore. There has been nothing there and I am done. Sleeping on the living room floor for 4 years is way to long to keep going like this.  Sleeping on the living room  floor with all of my belongings in the living room because I already moved out for 4 years is madness.  It has to stop.  I am trying and for some reason the walls just popped up and everything could fall through...I am at wits' end.  I WILL MAKE THIS WORK. IT WILL HAPPEN

My Future processing...please hold

Changing my major is one of the big changes I have made to improve my life.  I was going for Social Worker but the further I got along I felt more and more depressed.  Finally, I decided that I should go into business type of classes. So, decided on Communications. So far the classes  are just what I needed. I think I am going to bring up my GPA with these classes. 😃  So I am excited for my new life and the future to come.  Finally, I feel like Im going down the right path.  I know it isnt going to be easy at first but there is going to be a time where I look back at the accomplishments  I did to get there will be mine.  I am hopeful.

"Once we accept our limits, we go beyond them." - Albert Einstein

Bedding

Time for patience with myself

Ok, so I've watched enough classic movies over the weekend. Now, it's time to be productive. Clean apartment, buy groceries and write out new apartment application.  Yes, you read me right, I'm moving out!  It's a scary task because not because I'll be living on my own, but because  I have to break the news to my girls that...their father isn't coming.  I also have a huge fear of failing. Not being able to pay for everything, not buying a car in time of winter, and applying for the temporary assistance I'll need to get my feet on the ground in a reasonable time.  I hope I have the  patience with myself to take day by day, through the good days and the most terrible ones.  Patience is one of my weaknesses on myself. Partly, growing up I was naturally slow at things and I was always frustrated of how far behind I got doing things compared to others.  So, today I'm hard on myself on getting things done and right the first time.  What I have to learn is that I'm human I will make mistakes.  I ghostedhave to learn to stop and think things through.  Then take the necessary action.

Place to big

Colorado Springs is only 200,000 less than Denver in population. Really? I have to move

Mother's day 2015

So, its Mothers day and Im already not really feeling it, right. So the breakfast is made, the one card is opened and everyone goes back to what they all do most, the internet tablets and computers.  I kinda didn’t mind, I actually wanted a day all by myself.  Later, I went shopping guilty feeling after a 26 dollar payout to Bath and Body Shop and 45 dollars on my paid off Kohls card. So, I went shopping for myself, I deserve it.  After all, I buy everyone else shoes, pants, and shirts. Why in the world do I have to feel guilty for spending my own money on myself?  Where does the feeling come from? Who taught me that anything I buy can’t go to me. 

Now, it’s 10 P.M. at night and everyone goes to bed.  EVERYONE! Im stuck alone doing laundry until well past 11 P.M. No one asked me if they could do it for me, and you know who Im talking about…Im tired, Ive been debating again whether to leave when planned and the more I think about it I have too.  Yeah he’s been nice yadda yadda yadda but I feel like I don’t matter enough.  Tonight is a perfect example, he knew I was doing laundry he didn’t even offer to help.
I guess Happy Mothers day to me, the kids laundry still needs to be done..goodnight while you slave drive through the night while I watch whatever on the computer. (FU)

I guess I sorta expected this, Im exausted, I'm wishing things would change, I have to make the change. If I want things done nice for me I will do the deed. RIGHT? I mean who told me to rely on others to show they care and want to do whatever for me.  I think Im done now...Im so exhausted.

Wonderlust

     I was just day dreaming about traveling by myself to Yellowstone Park. The whole drive there in a warm summer week, where the weather is perfect the whole time.  I rent a cabin and enjoy the scenery and walk the docks of the hotsprings. Visit the old places I visited  when I was a kid, Devil's Thumb,  Old Faithful, and the whole pathway.
     I wish I had a dog to go the ride with me, his name would be...Arthur.  No, David.  He would be a golden retriever.  He would the best company. We would make pit stops and veiw the scenery along the way. He wouldnt argue, and stick with me on the long walks.
    

Fading fading away... future looks bleak

Ok, so this second half of this semester is going to say the least, shitty.  I have 3 papers due this week and I havent the foggiest how to do them, political science is a given, I know nothing about it even after a semester of it, and sociology's three theories in gyms has confused the heck out of me, like its to general or something, and Ive never experienced a gym enough to have the slightest idea to program it in the three theories for the paper.

I have come to the conclusion, that I am just going to have to take the hit this semester.  Political science, I already flunked out I think. All the exams I failed.  So..yeah...  English Comp II we are doing classical research with hypothesis, topic proposal, outline, thesis, bibliography annotaions...I mean, I got totally lost.  I can just do the research and then write the paper.  My teacher has so much busy work, warmups in class, reading logs?! With six logs per reading times 2. Really? I seriously dont have time for that.  I think next time Ill have to get a different teacher.

Ok, that is my griping about school.

The positive outlooks of this semester.
I have learned a lot of what the classical research asks for so now I know what to do.  Sociology class, um...hmm how society works as a whole? Ok, next! Political science, to read the book and not rely on the lectures.

Well, Im guessing I will have to look for a job here soon. School needs a break.

Toxic

For fourteen years I've lived here, in this town and it has given me nothing but bad vibes.  Why did I live here for so long you ask? It takes a lot to get to me, Im an optimistic person, "It'll get better." I settle for anything slightly better.  Well, I have finally come to the conclusion that I am not going to "settle" any more.

I know I have plans to leave and live on my own with two in tow.  I know that yes I will struggle in the beginning just about in every aspect. IN EVERY ASPECT.  I know that is why I have settled for SO long. I would now rather stuggle and call that my own than settle with what I am dealing with now.

My goals are short term:
-find a job that pays at least 11.00 $ an hour
-clean my credit up and raise my score
-save without dipping in
-buy/lease a car

Long term goals:
-finally afford monthly budget
-move from this town
-with cleaner credit, buy a new small house
-vacation by myself
          -florida
          -San Francisco
          -Bora Bora

In the mean time, I have begun slowly, maybe slower than I should be working on leaving.  Our lease is up in end of September and I pray that time I dont cave in and keep staying, because one: he hasn't looked for a job to cover expenses, two: the kids.  I can't go year after year again going through the same "settlement" living I have lived for the past seven years.

Im not happy, that is clear.  I have to take it in my own hands, for me.

My goals I have above are tentative, but they are there.  They are my rope, hope and hand to help me see what I need, my kids need me to be.  I hope that one day I will look back and know that I made it to my goals.  It could take years, months, or even weeks. They are there, maybe for eternity

Update:
Well, it's 2016 and I am..you guessed it, still here.  What had happened was September came and I told him that I was leaving. Unfortunately, he manipulated me by saying that he was going to love out of his car.  I fell for it and said I'd sign the lease but will leave later. Five months later, I am still getting things in order. The main issue is the rent has risen so high that I can't afford it. But, I am storing and organizing my things so when I do find an affordable place, I'm  OUT!  I might have to wait until the rent is up for renewal. I am hoping to actually move in April 😊. Fingers crossed

Roommates no more

Today we went to the library.  I try to stay there as long as I can so I dont have to come home, I dread coming home.  On our way out, I picked up the apartment catalog with a slight hope of a chance of moving out, my own place so I dont have to stay out for the very reason of not going home.
"What is the price range  for the apartment?" My oldest asked.
"Well, we pay 641 now so 700 at the VERY most." I said
My youngest said, "becuase papa has a job?"
I cringed at this question, they still dont know how much I want to leave. Thoughts of the girls and I coming home just my place flew through my head. I clenched my fist.  I never responded. I have to keep that to myself until it is time to tell them.
I sort of get an anxiety attact driving closer and closer to the apartment. I dread unlocking the door and seeing him there, you are not welcome, please not be in the living room watching tv. That's my space.
I sleep in the living room and my dresser and all my clothes are all on the chair, my stuff is all stuffed in between the tv table and the dresser.  I shouldnt have to live like this. There should be a freedom where you dont feel like a prisoner.
Two weeks ago, I typed out the "Goodbye letter" and dated it for this month, January.  I havent found the time to have the guts, words to give it to him. I beleive the next week is it.  I gave him 5 months to find a job.  That is the month I am moving out.  I plan to ask the manager of this apartment complex if I take my name off of the lease and lease my own apartment here will i get the $534 rent amount a new resident would pay, if not I will have to find another place.
I know I have waited to long and wasted so many years, but I think this year is my year. Things will be different, more challenging and sometimes scary.  But I have to face these fears for me...I just cant live like this anymore.