So, I lost my job due to a layoff four days before Christmas. I forgot my coat there from the rush out of there. So, Monday I went to pick it up. I had to stand in the lobby to wait because it is a secured building, and everyone who was going on their breaks outside never said hello, except one guy I got to know . It was so awkward. People there are so shady!
Anyway, I thought more and more about what the HR lady said, she said that I could reapply there for next year. Kindly, I said "sure" but in the back of my mind I was like, I would never come back to this place for the world!
Today, proved me right.
I think it's the people at work that makes it a nice environment. Shady and fake people in the work area makes me uneasy.
So, now the new year starts with a clear plate, jobwise, I am so looking forward to work somewhere I can get along with people and once I read them I don't feel like someday they will stab me in the back. Because that is what I feel like with the people who work in the previous job.
I feel like there is a new beginning and it's about time!
Monday, December 24, 2018
Monday, October 8, 2018
Dreams really can come true...Someday
So, lately, I have thought about my future and where I want to be. I have a friend or a co worker who lives on her own, and she has a very small house to herself. She's divorced with no kids and one dog and now a cat. The house she said is only 600 ft! I live currently in an apartment of 811 feet and it is small here!
Anyway, when I get older I want to also live on my own. Yes, by myself.
I have lived on my own before and LOVED it! Then I joined the army...life started from there.
When I was younger I went to Oregon and went on a bus ride to the coast through small tourist towns I mean Small towns! They reminded me of the movie Mystic Pizza, the small town the girls lived in and one of the sisters has her own scooter she drove around the town on. I remember telling myself, "when I grow older, I am going to move here on my own." I wish I followed through, now at my age I don't think I would be able to ride a scooter and look as cool as the girl in the movie, HA! But, one day, I do want to have that independant feeling of living on my own without thinking of anyone else than me. I hope that doesn't sound to selfish but sometimes, you have to remind yourself that you matter and if you have a dream (notice I said have a dream) that one can make it true no matter what time in their lives it happens.
I will make it happen, I will have that front door of my own, my own bedroom, bathroom, kitchen and yes garden :)
Ok, Im off my soap box.
Night
:-)
Anyway, when I get older I want to also live on my own. Yes, by myself.
I have lived on my own before and LOVED it! Then I joined the army...life started from there.
When I was younger I went to Oregon and went on a bus ride to the coast through small tourist towns I mean Small towns! They reminded me of the movie Mystic Pizza, the small town the girls lived in and one of the sisters has her own scooter she drove around the town on. I remember telling myself, "when I grow older, I am going to move here on my own." I wish I followed through, now at my age I don't think I would be able to ride a scooter and look as cool as the girl in the movie, HA! But, one day, I do want to have that independant feeling of living on my own without thinking of anyone else than me. I hope that doesn't sound to selfish but sometimes, you have to remind yourself that you matter and if you have a dream (notice I said have a dream) that one can make it true no matter what time in their lives it happens.
I will make it happen, I will have that front door of my own, my own bedroom, bathroom, kitchen and yes garden :)
Ok, Im off my soap box.
Night
:-)
Sunday, September 9, 2018
I No Longer Care
For the longest time, I have always cared of how people see me, if they like me, and if they are talking behind my back.
As I got older, I found how people are so irrelevant. People at work, everyone outside of the home and sometimes family. I remember when my mom would come to visit I would clean from top to bottom days before she came over. All other times, I would not give a hoot.
Well, this time I am just going to leave things be this time. What, she's isn't moving in so what if she makes a remark about how we live. Believe me I don't care. If it does bother her she could stay in a hotel. Actually, she will need to because we don't have the room because we don't have a bed. We sleep on the floor.
Anyway, back to what I was talking about. I found that the older I get, I have found who I am as if I found the peace of just being me for a change. I know in the past I have thought about how I would love to have a nice wardrobe, makeup, money and a REALLY nice house. But experiencing how the economy is I found being under the radar of the poverty line prevents so much stress. I found the more you have the harder you fall. I've seen and read articles of people who lose so much they worked for and how emotionally they are attached it and it makes them so stressed out. I feel I don't ever want to be in that position. Yeah, it would be nice to have the house, money, and all the trips to Bora Bora etc, but dang to be stressed over all that is not how I want to look back in my life and be upset about it.
So, I found ways to stay in the lifestyle I want.
My philosophy, be thankful for what you have an don't ask or want more. We are all going to die one day, are we really going to have room in our caskets for all the material things we accumulated?
What needs to be preserved are the memories you leave with the living after you are gone.
So, let go to all the LV purses, the fast cars, HUGE houses and spend the time that was given to you with people who will be able to continue to share the moments in time with next generations to come.
As I got older, I found how people are so irrelevant. People at work, everyone outside of the home and sometimes family. I remember when my mom would come to visit I would clean from top to bottom days before she came over. All other times, I would not give a hoot.
Well, this time I am just going to leave things be this time. What, she's isn't moving in so what if she makes a remark about how we live. Believe me I don't care. If it does bother her she could stay in a hotel. Actually, she will need to because we don't have the room because we don't have a bed. We sleep on the floor.
Anyway, back to what I was talking about. I found that the older I get, I have found who I am as if I found the peace of just being me for a change. I know in the past I have thought about how I would love to have a nice wardrobe, makeup, money and a REALLY nice house. But experiencing how the economy is I found being under the radar of the poverty line prevents so much stress. I found the more you have the harder you fall. I've seen and read articles of people who lose so much they worked for and how emotionally they are attached it and it makes them so stressed out. I feel I don't ever want to be in that position. Yeah, it would be nice to have the house, money, and all the trips to Bora Bora etc, but dang to be stressed over all that is not how I want to look back in my life and be upset about it.
So, I found ways to stay in the lifestyle I want.
My philosophy, be thankful for what you have an don't ask or want more. We are all going to die one day, are we really going to have room in our caskets for all the material things we accumulated?
What needs to be preserved are the memories you leave with the living after you are gone.
So, let go to all the LV purses, the fast cars, HUGE houses and spend the time that was given to you with people who will be able to continue to share the moments in time with next generations to come.
Saturday, June 2, 2018
Its finally Saturday. Im alone but happy. Its quiet and everyone in the house is asleep. He isnt home yet and usually doesnt until around 830.
I was just reading about an author who lives in Boulder CO. He has a website called the elephant Journal.
I wish I could write, something some would love so much they dont want to put it down. A series, a series of novels that when you finish the last one you are sad and don't want to ever read or think of another character ever ending.
I have watched documentaries of authors like Margaret Mitchell and others and thought at my age they have accomplished so much. Just by having the courage and creativity to write novels.
I have read and heard that the more you write the better you become. I have to admit that I have tried but I write nonsense.
I don't even use words like writers use, I am simple and inexperienced. Oh, I also can't spell.
But I hope that the more I read and write whatever, that I learn something that I know that it is in me. A Novel. IT IS IN ME!
I was just reading about an author who lives in Boulder CO. He has a website called the elephant Journal.
I wish I could write, something some would love so much they dont want to put it down. A series, a series of novels that when you finish the last one you are sad and don't want to ever read or think of another character ever ending.
I have watched documentaries of authors like Margaret Mitchell and others and thought at my age they have accomplished so much. Just by having the courage and creativity to write novels.
I have read and heard that the more you write the better you become. I have to admit that I have tried but I write nonsense.
I don't even use words like writers use, I am simple and inexperienced. Oh, I also can't spell.
But I hope that the more I read and write whatever, that I learn something that I know that it is in me. A Novel. IT IS IN ME!
Monday, May 28, 2018
Is This Ok To Think Like This?
I don't feel human in this relationship. I feel like just another object that is in this household. I am the bank, the grocery shopper, the chauffeur and lastly the housekeeper. I am the one who is always sitting alone in the living room. Noone to talk to, no one to have a mug of coffee with in the mornings and I feel like I am just like someone who is here for everyone else. So, I have been practicing saying "no" because I am not going to be taken advantage of just because someone wants an ice cream at 10pm.
When I ask them (kids) to ask their father for stuff instead of me they bypass him and don't even bother to ask him. Why? I don't get what he does (or doesn't) to make them say "nope not going to ask him" I am not the only parent here in the house. So, now I am practicing saying no and they have to ask him. Besides, he makes more money anyway. He's all wearing new shirts, and buying records and I am the one who has to fork out all of her paycheck to pay for everything for everyone's needs. NO! Not anymore, I am going to try to save money. Maybe go on a trip by myself? Well, that is the dream plan anyway.
I wonder sometimes if they all came home and I was gone..like gone in another country for a month and they all had to fend for themselves. How would it be when I come home? Would they all be able to budget the money and stop buying shirts, records and crap? Would the rent get paid? Food? OH the internet god forbid the internet get shut off! HA!
I one day want to look back and say You know what you did what you could and now it is time for you.
Give me five to six more years...
When I ask them (kids) to ask their father for stuff instead of me they bypass him and don't even bother to ask him. Why? I don't get what he does (or doesn't) to make them say "nope not going to ask him" I am not the only parent here in the house. So, now I am practicing saying no and they have to ask him. Besides, he makes more money anyway. He's all wearing new shirts, and buying records and I am the one who has to fork out all of her paycheck to pay for everything for everyone's needs. NO! Not anymore, I am going to try to save money. Maybe go on a trip by myself? Well, that is the dream plan anyway.
I wonder sometimes if they all came home and I was gone..like gone in another country for a month and they all had to fend for themselves. How would it be when I come home? Would they all be able to budget the money and stop buying shirts, records and crap? Would the rent get paid? Food? OH the internet god forbid the internet get shut off! HA!
I one day want to look back and say You know what you did what you could and now it is time for you.
Give me five to six more years...
Tuesday, January 23, 2018
Cake, Icecream, and tea time
Have you ever had the kind of day where you can't seem to get a grip to anything you do? That's what it was like for me today. It started this morning when I was washing my hands and I felt like something was off. I told myself, "looks like today is going to be one of those days. Remember to take it in stride." I know this because in the past, I have had these days and I let it get to me. I get frustrated and seem to miss deadlines, my typing is slow or can't type the words that are spilling out of my head. With every mishap and every miss I do during the day I remind myself that I let the "chips fall where they may" the closer I get to my breaks, lunch break and my last break of the day it is closer to the end of the day and that day will END.
And the day ends. I use to say, "tomorrow is a new day and things will get better." I now know that that isn't always the case, it could be a better day but things still throw me off enough to want to throw up my hands and go back to bed. To find the strength within is to continue forward. That's why my new year motto is, "Always Forward" I got that from my basic training drill sergeant. I haven't used it since then but now for some reason now it makes sense.
Throughout the years since I got out of the army, I feel like we have always struggled and that made us stronger because we learned that through all the rough patches in life, life will always go on and on and on whether you like it or not, you have to make little things in life that make you happy to get yourself through the times in life.
Tonight, I ate cereal, a chocolate covered donut, ice cream and my chocolate cake in a mug and my favorite tea. Now I know that is not the healthiest dinner but I had to do what I needed to do to make me feel better about today. I said, "I need to treat myself for making it through the day without spilling my beans." I did. I don't regret it or will punish myself for the choice of dinner meal.
Tomorrow, I will treat myself to a healthy meal and hopefully prepare myself for the next day of work.
I know I struggle emotionally but I have to remind myself I have me to take care of, psychologically and physically.
You should too.
Night!
Tuesday, January 16, 2018
Don't Read the GH article
So I was browsing through an article from Good Housekeeping and came upon an article about a mother at 43 years of age is praised for looking "Decades Younger." At the same time I'm watching "Mom" on the tv. I seriously thought about reading the article to see if I could look decades younger...are you kidding? So I decided to place my life relations to the show "Mom." I am not an alcoholic but I have locked myself out of the car, woke up late for work and can't cook real dinners for my kids when I get home from work. So, my question is, is reading an article about one single person who looks decades (I'm not sure how many, I am guessing 20 years) younger than 90 percent of the women population good for me? No I told myself and I wondered why do magazines like to probe women about other women (the 10 percent of the women population) who are thinner and "looking younger" so important? I look at myself 20 years ago and think, yeah I was thin, clean skin had thicker hair. Now, at the ripe age of 40+ I feel I can look at myself as a real person, not a model or an actress who only lives on lettuce and exercises 24 hours a day.
So, going back to the article. So the picture they have is on the left side is the woman in a..get this...hospital gown in a hospital bed because she Just had a baby. Oh, I neglected to say that the woman had given birth to seven babies. The right picture is of her taking a selfie with her phone in yes you guessed it, work out clothes tight as a tube sock. She's firm, legs are shapely, and breasts are as of a 20 year old. I am sure no exercise move would of perked those girls up but whatever. I have an issue with this article is that it's saying, "if this woman can have seven babies and workout and look this good you can too." Really? ok, I will go and work out and not have a life so I can fit my coffin when I die, of exhaustion!
Look, I just want to say to those who are reading this is be proud of who you are and what you wear, and how you see yourself, and love every part of you. You are you and no mama with a tight tush will make you feel better about yourself when you when you look into the short or tall mirrors everyday. YOU have to remind yourself that everyday is your day and what you do is what you need to do to make you love you. Take a bath, eat the cake, walk half a mile if you can't go the whole mile. Just know that you can only do the best you can to make you feel good about yourself. Yes, we all have the days we look like shit and can't get things to go right all day. Let it go. Please don't read the article about the seven kid mom who now looks like she's 20. Age gracefully and know you are doing it the best way you know how.
K? So if you see any types of articles like these to make you feel like you are not doing it right, tear it out and throw it away!
Love you always! Always Forward!
So, going back to the article. So the picture they have is on the left side is the woman in a..get this...hospital gown in a hospital bed because she Just had a baby. Oh, I neglected to say that the woman had given birth to seven babies. The right picture is of her taking a selfie with her phone in yes you guessed it, work out clothes tight as a tube sock. She's firm, legs are shapely, and breasts are as of a 20 year old. I am sure no exercise move would of perked those girls up but whatever. I have an issue with this article is that it's saying, "if this woman can have seven babies and workout and look this good you can too." Really? ok, I will go and work out and not have a life so I can fit my coffin when I die, of exhaustion!
Look, I just want to say to those who are reading this is be proud of who you are and what you wear, and how you see yourself, and love every part of you. You are you and no mama with a tight tush will make you feel better about yourself when you when you look into the short or tall mirrors everyday. YOU have to remind yourself that everyday is your day and what you do is what you need to do to make you love you. Take a bath, eat the cake, walk half a mile if you can't go the whole mile. Just know that you can only do the best you can to make you feel good about yourself. Yes, we all have the days we look like shit and can't get things to go right all day. Let it go. Please don't read the article about the seven kid mom who now looks like she's 20. Age gracefully and know you are doing it the best way you know how.
K? So if you see any types of articles like these to make you feel like you are not doing it right, tear it out and throw it away!
Love you always! Always Forward!
Wednesday, January 10, 2018
Living alone but not alone
So lately, I have been feeling so alone and unappreciated. I get home from work but no one acknowledges me. I have teenagers now I know that they can be moody and stuff but it makes me feel like I am doing something wrong all the time like cooking the wrong dinners, talking to them, or even trying to give them a hug. I have to remind myself that I was literally like that to my mom. I didn't want to talk to her, spend any time with her or anything. She actually totally annoyed me. So, I have to remind myself that this is a faze all teenagers to through. So, now as I sit alone in the living room I wonder, if I were single would I feel this alone? The reason I ask myself this is because I live literally out in the living room. I sleep out here and eat out here sometimes in hopes that someone (like my spouse) would like to sit with me and spend some time with me. I have made dinners in the past and sat down at the table as a silent message to come sit with me and he still went into his bedroom to eat. So I sat there alone to eat.
I know in the past I have spoken on leaving and living on my own because the relationship is not working. But I am trying to repair what has been cracked in the relationship. I may have been to subtle about it. I wonder if I speak to him I can get out of him what the relationship really means to him. I feel like it is a comfort relationship. We literally live like roommates. I don't know if I can repair it to what a marriage relationship is suppose to be based on society's standards.
I have thought about that in the future after the kids move out, I move out too. I have a friend who didn't have any kids and she is single. She divorced later in her life too. I often think of her and how she spends her time alone, with friends, and life in general. She lives in a small house with a vegetable garden and I think two dogs. She watches cable tv and has her own cell phone service. She wears stylish clothing just for her not to impress no men or anyone. She gets a lot of compliments.
I often think if I will be able to succeed in this dream of living on my own as simply as hers. I want a small one bedroom house with a big backyard for a garden or more. A dog for company and cable tv. Yep, she is living my dream. I think sometimes when someone else is living the exact dream I want, that since it is already being lived that it isn't available to me anymore. I have to find a different path. But so what I want to live exactly like hers. I don't have to live exactly like hers. I will shoot for that goal starting by paying off my credit card debt and my student loan, then hopefully by the time I get to move out I will be financially ready.
I really got off track this time. I was talking how I felt now. what is the term you are suppose to live in the present. HA! I live in the future apparently. That isn't a bad thing either. Planning and writing it down does help your mind think and reevaluate things. For instance, I plan to buy a house for myself and when the time comes the housing market goes waay up and I can't afford a house at that time. I have to think of a plan B, and that would be... sigh, move into an apartment. Of course it would be temporarily. But then I would have to budget for that. Renting now a days is more than having a mortgage payment in some places. Even renting a house!
So back to the topic of living here with "family" and feeling the way I feel. I find myself crying by myself due to the loneliness. I kind of feel better but I know it will happen again. I don't know if I I am more sensitive emotionally because I don't have anyone to talk to or maybe hopefully it is my hormones. I hope I snap out of it and learn that that one day I will be living on my own I won't have anyone to wish to come into the room and ignore me. I will never have a roommate ever again.
Well, I have ran out of steam on this topic. See you next time.
I know in the past I have spoken on leaving and living on my own because the relationship is not working. But I am trying to repair what has been cracked in the relationship. I may have been to subtle about it. I wonder if I speak to him I can get out of him what the relationship really means to him. I feel like it is a comfort relationship. We literally live like roommates. I don't know if I can repair it to what a marriage relationship is suppose to be based on society's standards.
I have thought about that in the future after the kids move out, I move out too. I have a friend who didn't have any kids and she is single. She divorced later in her life too. I often think of her and how she spends her time alone, with friends, and life in general. She lives in a small house with a vegetable garden and I think two dogs. She watches cable tv and has her own cell phone service. She wears stylish clothing just for her not to impress no men or anyone. She gets a lot of compliments.
I often think if I will be able to succeed in this dream of living on my own as simply as hers. I want a small one bedroom house with a big backyard for a garden or more. A dog for company and cable tv. Yep, she is living my dream. I think sometimes when someone else is living the exact dream I want, that since it is already being lived that it isn't available to me anymore. I have to find a different path. But so what I want to live exactly like hers. I don't have to live exactly like hers. I will shoot for that goal starting by paying off my credit card debt and my student loan, then hopefully by the time I get to move out I will be financially ready.
I really got off track this time. I was talking how I felt now. what is the term you are suppose to live in the present. HA! I live in the future apparently. That isn't a bad thing either. Planning and writing it down does help your mind think and reevaluate things. For instance, I plan to buy a house for myself and when the time comes the housing market goes waay up and I can't afford a house at that time. I have to think of a plan B, and that would be... sigh, move into an apartment. Of course it would be temporarily. But then I would have to budget for that. Renting now a days is more than having a mortgage payment in some places. Even renting a house!
So back to the topic of living here with "family" and feeling the way I feel. I find myself crying by myself due to the loneliness. I kind of feel better but I know it will happen again. I don't know if I I am more sensitive emotionally because I don't have anyone to talk to or maybe hopefully it is my hormones. I hope I snap out of it and learn that that one day I will be living on my own I won't have anyone to wish to come into the room and ignore me. I will never have a roommate ever again.
Well, I have ran out of steam on this topic. See you next time.
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