So lately, I have been feeling so alone and unappreciated. I get home from work but no one acknowledges me. I have teenagers now I know that they can be moody and stuff but it makes me feel like I am doing something wrong all the time like cooking the wrong dinners, talking to them, or even trying to give them a hug. I have to remind myself that I was literally like that to my mom. I didn't want to talk to her, spend any time with her or anything. She actually totally annoyed me. So, I have to remind myself that this is a faze all teenagers to through. So, now as I sit alone in the living room I wonder, if I were single would I feel this alone? The reason I ask myself this is because I live literally out in the living room. I sleep out here and eat out here sometimes in hopes that someone (like my spouse) would like to sit with me and spend some time with me. I have made dinners in the past and sat down at the table as a silent message to come sit with me and he still went into his bedroom to eat. So I sat there alone to eat.
I know in the past I have spoken on leaving and living on my own because the relationship is not working. But I am trying to repair what has been cracked in the relationship. I may have been to subtle about it. I wonder if I speak to him I can get out of him what the relationship really means to him. I feel like it is a comfort relationship. We literally live like roommates. I don't know if I can repair it to what a marriage relationship is suppose to be based on society's standards.
I have thought about that in the future after the kids move out, I move out too. I have a friend who didn't have any kids and she is single. She divorced later in her life too. I often think of her and how she spends her time alone, with friends, and life in general. She lives in a small house with a vegetable garden and I think two dogs. She watches cable tv and has her own cell phone service. She wears stylish clothing just for her not to impress no men or anyone. She gets a lot of compliments.
I often think if I will be able to succeed in this dream of living on my own as simply as hers. I want a small one bedroom house with a big backyard for a garden or more. A dog for company and cable tv. Yep, she is living my dream. I think sometimes when someone else is living the exact dream I want, that since it is already being lived that it isn't available to me anymore. I have to find a different path. But so what I want to live exactly like hers. I don't have to live exactly like hers. I will shoot for that goal starting by paying off my credit card debt and my student loan, then hopefully by the time I get to move out I will be financially ready.
I really got off track this time. I was talking how I felt now. what is the term you are suppose to live in the present. HA! I live in the future apparently. That isn't a bad thing either. Planning and writing it down does help your mind think and reevaluate things. For instance, I plan to buy a house for myself and when the time comes the housing market goes waay up and I can't afford a house at that time. I have to think of a plan B, and that would be... sigh, move into an apartment. Of course it would be temporarily. But then I would have to budget for that. Renting now a days is more than having a mortgage payment in some places. Even renting a house!
So back to the topic of living here with "family" and feeling the way I feel. I find myself crying by myself due to the loneliness. I kind of feel better but I know it will happen again. I don't know if I I am more sensitive emotionally because I don't have anyone to talk to or maybe hopefully it is my hormones. I hope I snap out of it and learn that that one day I will be living on my own I won't have anyone to wish to come into the room and ignore me. I will never have a roommate ever again.
Well, I have ran out of steam on this topic. See you next time.
No comments:
Post a Comment