So, since the election I always find things online that make me laugh and I want to share with someone about the backfires of the knucklehead in the White House. The first person comes to mind is him and now I feel like I can't do that anymore because we are so distant. He is in his room all weekend and doesn't come out even to eat. So, when ever I have the urges to tell someone something, I just don't.
"I used to think the worst think in life was to end up all alone. It's not. The worst thing in life is ending up with people who make you feel all alone." -Robin Williams
I often think of this quote when I am alone. I have all my family members in the house and not one makes an effort to come out to see me or spend time with me. My daughter does sometimes. I sometimes sit in the living room and just sit there. Wondering if I am good enough to even to be around with. I get up to the closed doors and sometimes just stare at them wishing they weren't the message of, "no, you aren't worth our time to see you." I often wonder what the kids think of me, am I weak for not leaving when I told them I was unhappy in the marriage and I am still here in the same position I was then. My youngest thinks about the relationship. She asked me one time that he and I would go out for our Anniversary. I gave her a "ugh" and tried to change the subject. My oldest got upset over something and I asked her if she wanted to talk, and she said in the mist of the conversation that no one in the family likes each other. She meant the marriage relationship too. So, I think it would be best if we would just end it.
I have read up on the term 'convenience marriage." That is exactly what I am in right now. I help pay the bills, the rent, the groceries, help take the kids places, clean the house and yet I don't feel like I have any benefit for any of it. I try to reward myself for what I do. It just isn't the same. I want someone to tell me how well I am coping, doing, cleaning etc.
So, I am back to planning my escape. I am saving as he is spending. I am storing as he is also storing and hoarding. I think of that day I am ready and I double check my plan, lists, items for the go and then give him the news and...Leave.
I also think of the time I will have to myself, what I would do with myself and how I will feel after the task has been taken place. I know at first I will be intimidated by the time alone and what I have to do to stay afloat. I have lived on my own before, I have bought my own groceries, gas, rent, clothes...CLOTHES! I haven't bought my clothes for me in a while! That'll be nice.
There will be nights that are lonely. But they are now. What is the difference. Just I can say I don't have a room that is partially closed and I peek in to see what he is doing to see what it'll make me feel like. Why do I do that? I feel even more lonely when I do that. Why do I do that? Codependency? Wow. I remember when I was living by myself I told myself I would never become dependent to another person, here I am subconsciously codependent.
I need to get out! I just need to stay on task and not let up. I still have a couple of years. If I last that long.
