Hard times draw the fear in but it's the move that will make the fear disappear

Today is the second day of the third week of October.  I was hoping I was going to at least have an interview for any of the jobs I have applied for by now.  Nothing.  I have a bill I have to pay for and I don't have a scent in either of my banks.  I have a pair of earrings I am trying to sell for the price they are worth. I had them partially appraised but no paperwork to go with them.  I haven't had any offers for them either.  If I had it my way, I would have sold them for at least 100 dollars.  That way, I could pay off my bill and not worry about it anymore.  I would then find a job that pays enough to support myself and the girls.  That would be about 19,800.00 dollars a year.  I could totally make that work for the three of us.

I know times are hard now but I am always optimistic of the future now matter how often it doesn't happen.  Every year I think this way, and every year it turns out the same.  I read somewhere that if it isn't your time it won't happen.  I wish it wouldn't take it's sweet time!  I have been in this boat for too long.  It's time to get my Jordan's on and make the leap.

The time I make that leap, I think that my luck will change.  So, what am I waiting for?  Probably for my fear to subside.  Fear takes over me and holds me down.  In my past I always asked others for support or more like approval.  Today, I don't have people to discuss what my plans are and if they are suitable for my future.  Having someone to help me decide what is best for me has probably hurt me more than helped me. I now rely on that hand to walk me through my difficulties.  I have to eventually learn that this is my life and I need to take charge of what needs to be done for me to make me happy.  It isn't in any other persons hands or minds what is good for me.  I have to now remind myself that what I do may be consequences but mostly will help me build my mind strength to move forward and do it alone. Not every move is going to detrimental.  Most moves will take me to the right direction that I have needed in so many years.

Fashion for Women over 40 vs Me

As I scroll through Pintrest, I find the most amazing outfits that I would love to try on.  I then remember the times I try on clothes in the changing rooms, I'm out of shape, my waist is thicker than my bust and my back has rolls and my legs are...normal.  The clothes I see online and pin them to my "I'd Love to wear this  board, I think to myself "yes, I would love to wear these very cute chic outfits but would they like being worn by me.
There is a site now that you can join by giving your age height and your favorite style and a "stylist" will look through your Pintrest page and find something to fit your liking and send it to you.  You then try it on and if you like it you buy it, if you don't you send it back. The service is either once a month to three months apart.  A credit card is required to join the service.  I think about if I join, how much of the clothes the stylist sends to me would I keep? Most of the time, I am not happy with anything I try on even with the high hopes I would find something I love to walk out of the house in and feel confident.  Lately, I have been in sweat pants and workout shirts because A) They are comfortable and B) I don't have a single nice thing to wear THAT FITS ME.  I do have nice clothes, they don't fit me anymore.
Currently, I am jobless and looking for work online is hard and without having any interview clothes, I am in loss.
Pintrest is helpful though.  I find that my sense of style needs a huge up grade.  Patterns, colors, and shape.  I tend to go toward the straight safe look.  I have now figure really, no waist, like a walking potato.  How do you dress a potato?  That has stumped me for ages.
I still have no answer but, I am hoping Pintrest does. So, I have followed pinners who are posting clothe styles for women over 40.  Some are still for the 20 year olds and so some of the pins are scrolled past. Now, some of the styles I see are very intriguing and open my mind to a new sense of dressing today.  I have bought some scarves and boots and a few other pieces but I didn't know how to use them.  With the help of Pintrest, I have a better idea how to use the accessories.  So, this next year, I am hoping that I use Pintrest to my own good!  Wish me Luck1

Thinking on a positive note from now on...wish me luck

So, tomorrow is Monday and I feel like I am kinda ready for the week.  Last week and the week before, motivation was essentially dead. I didnt look for a job, clean house or much of anything. This weekend though, I did clean the walls, the grimy doors, and the base boards! I felt like I made such progress.  I vacuumed, dusted cleaned the bathroom and finally file the stack of papers that wers accumulating on the file box.  I also cleaned the desk so this week I can get some work done (aka job searching.)
I am hopefull that there is a job out there waiting for me to succeed and make progress from my now boring and dull life.
I wrote a message to a friend about my lack of progress in the job hunting and how I may have to find work in another stae.  She asked where and my dreamy mind went to Maine and Vermont.  Dreams I know, but there could be protential in my future in making my way that direction. I then started googling houses and the morgage average in the area and viewed youtube videos on Portland, Maine.
Why do I dream of living in Maine you ask? Because it is so far away from here.  It's by the ocean and you can wear sweaters there more often.  Getting the LLBean catalog also helps. The leaves in the fall, and the blues greys and greens call out to me for the change of views.  I love the Rocky Mountains dont get me wrong, I just crave something as beautiful but away from here. Somewhere cold.

Yesterday, I was thinking of my blogging. How I have been basically writing about the same thing, complaining on my current living conditions. None of it is up lifting now that I think about it. From now on I will think on more positive out look on my soon to be future. I know it isnt going to be peachy clean and wild daisies but the mind can really over come alot in ones life no matter where they are coming from or going.
So now, I begin my journey to a more positive out look for my future.  Bad days, bring it! Im not falling for your crocodile tears. Sunny happy days are here to stay!

The Form to help walk you through your plans

So, I was cleaning the living room so I could roll out my bed and I came across this piece of paper.  I came from my daughters school and I thought that I could make use of this. 

Goals and promise to follow through form for me to use for my future.  I think this isn't just a good idea for kids but for adults too!

Paths, Walls and Possibilities

Without the help of social media, how many people have you past in your path.  My point is, how many actual people are actually making a difference in your life, without posts of what they made for dinner or trips they have taken or inspirational memes.
I thought back and found no one.  Not a single person I know I have crossed paths in the past oh, say, 10 years.  So, what does that tell me?  How alone I am? No, just that I am a introvert and that maybe I need to start thinking of getting out more. Meet more people in groups or something.
What got me start thinking about this, I was scrolling through Facebook and found a lot of people that I use to cross paths with. They have lives!  Some are even living out of the country with Master or Phd. degrees  married with smiling babies.  Babies...at the late ages of 35 and 40 now.  I have teenagers and have been married for 16 years, and yet I am bored, lost and a no one.  Ok, so I am not a no one per say, I am just not as active? I don't initiate or haven't in the past to get to where I need to be.  So, where do I start now?
The reason I ask this is because lately, I feel I am in a prison, locked down marriage with no money, job or experience to get out.  My life has become my prison.  To dig a hole with what I don't have seems impossible.  Nothing is impossible, I have my hands to dig with.  Right? Work with what God gave you?  I don't believe in God, so maybe I have to stay literal and work with what I do have...my brain.  Mind over matter they say, though have they ever had to actually work with my mind?  Fear, doubt, and a huge wall  I have built in the late 10 years stands before me.  Finding away to tear it down seems next to impossible.  But who's to say that it needs to be torn down. Why not climb over it and sit on top, see as far as the eyes can see.  Possibilities are possible.  Dreams can come true no matter how much you plan for them, sometimes, you just have to jump.  Something has to break in the fall.  Hopefully it will be the fear and doubt.

Progress continues and time is on my side

It's the second to last week of September and once again we are struggling to pay for what we need for the month.  Money was cut by 1/3 this month because I am not going to school and receiving the GI Bill for school.  This time of year, birthdays, holidays and school supplies makes it the most expensive time of year.  The time I loathe the most.  
I wonder sometimes, is it because of the location or who we are?  

He is on foot to the store to sell cds to get money for gas for the car.  I put some in the car with my credit card but now how will I pay the card off or even the minimum payment?  I am not working yet. I am now looking for something to sell to have enough to make a payment.  I know dumb on my part.  Every time I take the card out for a purchase, I make a note to myself that what I am doing is erasing all I have been working for fixing my credit history. What am I thinking?

I know that if I don't make a change, I will be in this life for the rest of my life.  I either have to make a change by moving and leaving or find another pattern to do make me last until I do.  Plan:
- Job and save 12% of my paychecks for my moving plan
- buy a car no future car payments 
- find a location to move in the future 
   * location with good work economics
   * safe location for me and kids

Now, I know this is the exact plan I have been making for the last seven years and no nothing has happened yet, but I do feel that if I continue to write down my goals, I will succeed them.  Even if it isn't in the time frame I want.  

"It doesn't matter how slowly you go as long as you don't stop" - Confucius

I may seem that I do stop sometimes, but I don't.  I actually plan as I am going, time, where, who, and sometimes those thoughts stall me.  For example, I want to leave right, so I start thinking first hand who will this effect.  My girls are first and I start thinking if I move, what will they feel?  They will feel, loss from their friends, they will be separated from their dad.  My youngest will probably loose respect from me because I am no longer wanting to live with their father and she will feel bad for him.  My oldest will totally hate me because I made her leave her friends.  I will then have to listen to my mother on how bad of a decision I have made and how this will effect the kids for the rest of their lives, aka you are a bad mother. And lastly, He will be sad enough to tell me that he will be living out of his car as he said the first time I told him I was leaving.  This is my draw back.  I think of everyone else first instead of thinking of what I  need.  I need my independence and free from the one that is pulling me down, down, down.

Now, I have two options, I leave on a whim without not much explanation or I sit everyone down and tell my plan and take the heat from everyone (I most loathe the most.) The greatest fear of all is that people will talk me out of it and I listen to them. I will then continue the whole cycle of planning my freedom again.  People as you can see are highly influential of me.

I have studied how others manage "the divorce, leaving" situation of other people and the same outcome is the same, they make it through alright.  Now I know that they don't have the same people in their lives as I do but I am sure that they have had their struggles.  I think in the back of my mind, I want to make the whole process perfect so that people don't see me as a loser, the bad mom, or the person who is selfish enough to leave a marriage and break her kids hearts.  The fantasy of everything as happy as it SEEMS now to everyone on the outside is a burden to my whole plan.

Lately, I have been working on not making everyone happy, I don't make everyone's snack, do their laundry, or even help with their homework. Letting people know that they can take care of themselves work for them and myself.  
I have learned finally, they don't need me all the time.  I am going to find a job so they will have to do things that normally I would do for them in a certain time of day.  They are all old enough, including the spouse.  This way when it time to go, I will have the confidence that I can let go and do what I need to do to improve myself.  I think that is the whole real big goal in this plan.  In the past 16 years, I feel over the years have lost myself as Me.  I need to find that person again and remind that that person, is very important.

Goals Are Still There as a Reminder with Every Interaction of Conversation

So, today my Aunt and Uncle are coming to visit America from Australia and they are coming for lunch.  I know I should be excited considering I haven't seen them since...1986? My intuition is eh. Seriously, I'm not in the mood.
Partly because I feel like a phony in a dissolved marriage no one knows about. I just don't want to be questioned about the two of us. My oldest is coming so it makes it harder to be enthusiastic about that topic. I have to put a front up all the time. I feel that one day Ill have enough and spread it out on the table for everyone to see...of course at the wrong time.  That's how I do things it seems.
I tell myself its only going to be a few hours at most. Then, back to the old routine.

My spouse didn't go because my youngest is ill and I talked him not going.  Much to my surprise he agreed and I was secretly pleased.  I didn't want to play the happy wife today, I was to exhausted to be honest.  The visit lasted two hours and I was relieved I didn't have to. 

I came back a bit depressed.  I had a great time talking with them.  I realized with the conversations that I need to revamp my lifestyle.  My brother was talking about the hikes he had done already.  I then asked about what is the average amount of time he takes to hike. He impressed me by saying he hikes five hours average each hike.  I though all that time he is out and hiking, exploring and getting sun, I am sitting on the couch or staying in the house all day.  Weekends mostly.  I don't have a car and that makes a big difference.  I am sure that if I owned my car, I wouldn't be inside so much.  

More and more I look at my living conditions, I feel like I am in prison, in my home, town and mind.  Counseling came to mind every now and again. I need at least someone to talk about what whizzes though my brain.  I need to release my thoughts and get some advice of how to manage my thought process and how to find myself in the current conditions I am in now.  Maybe, I will be able to finally find a way out through process of elimination but in a kind gentler way than how I plan my way out.

I need conversation, intellectual, educational discussions about so many things. I am dying with out this type of release.   Mainly, things  I have learned in school.  I feel I have learned so much and I wish I could continue my education all the time.  I want to with conversation with educated people!

My relationship I am in now is slowly killing me.  There is no interaction of intellectual discussions.  When there is a starting of one, it quickly fizzles out and I feel disappointed and bail out of the discussion.  Repetitive thinking is what I am speaking of; it is the main cause of the dying conversations from either lack of knowledge of the subject or serious impairment of widening the mind of different paths the conversation can lead to by this person.  I feel frustrated to the point now, I don't even ask questions because I already anticipate where the conversation will lead.  So now, I am disintegrating inside, feels like anyway.

See, my goals are to have a relationship in the future that that person will help me GROW. Teach me new things and open my mind to what I don't know. I don't know a lot! That is the reason I want to leave this one, I am not growing!  So, as long as I keep moving forward, I will reach my goal for my self growth.  Regardless what others will say or think of me in the future. 

Cant I sleep?

Sometimes I lay in my bed in the floor and wonder what position I would be when I die.  I lay yther either omn emy back or my stomach and wonder would my eys be closed would my hands be in fists or open?
Now why would I want to know all of this? Because I would be a sleep thats why.  Lately, I have had a lack of sleep. Tonight it was my daughter who woke up at 2 am and had to break the ice to have water.  Usually, its him getting food to eat after work. Like they all know Im trying to sleep out here.but they all insist of making as much noise in the kitchen.  Thats why i wonder what its like to be dead, i  can't hear anything. Id be dead.
I fucking hate my life right now

Parenting can sneak up on you when you aren't paying attention

Now that things have physically changed, I wonder why have I done to not hear about it.  I look back at my parenting skills and try to look for the point that made the whole child and parent relationship change.  I wonder is it just that the relationship of friends take the role that I have tried so hard to keep, and what I mean by that is the friendship in the mother and daughter relationship.  That seems to me has died at one point and I seem to can't find the location in the past where it all fell apart.  I hope in the future, we will come together and become what we use to be, joking, laughing and lovable friends.  I know that there is a point in the relationship of a child whether it is a boy or a girl that the independent mindset sets in and the distance become greater and greater; but I know that there are ways to help let the child know that we as parents will never give up on them no matter the situation and with hopes of that in mind, they will come on their own for that support they may not be able to get from friends.

I try to remind my girls that family is always there and to keep it sacred.  Kindness, and loving actions are here at the home because if there isn't anywhere else to go they will always be welcome home...as they say, "home is where the heart is" and it is here to stay.

The reason I am writing this is because something happened that I had hoped I would be the first to be notified of.  Instead, I found out on my own quite by accident.  I asked and the answer was so laid back it seemed that it was no big deal.  I then noticed that I was not the person she was going to tell because of how the relationship stood at the moment.  I wasn't the parent that secrets or thoughts were told to.  It kind of broke my heart because I thought I was the parent she was comfortable of telling these things to.  I am now thinking of ways to turn the situation so that later if there are situations she has in her life, she will feel comfortable to talk to me.

Now that this time has past, I will have to work on how to work on helping her become more comfortable with me around and talking to me.  

In the time between now and then, I will have so much on my plate.

Mom, it's Time to step it up!

Where have all the flowers gone...

Based on society, someone who spends a lot of time on a hobby may seem "wasting time." Does it really waste time if you are doing the hobby for your well being?  Or I must think that. Someone presently is fiddling with a sound machine and spends most of their time on it.  I use to become so annoyed by it because I felt this person wasn't spending the time wisely. Now, I feel that that is their way of releasing stress, relaxing and recharging.  
Feeling of having to have every minute used productively sounded so American, responsible, and respected...by who? The outside world would see me as someone who gets things DONE!  
Lately, I have had been working on my planner, google calendar and phone calendar to sync. I found myself working on these so much I have to find time in my calendar to work on syncing everything.  I even take the time to add little details to the planner such as "get up, brush teeth, and etc."  Finding things to do while not in school anymore is torturing!  I have been looking online on the job websites for a job in town. Seems all the jobs are either call centers (minimum wage pay) or career jobs that require a) 2-3 years in experience or b) bachelors education or higher...or both!  So now I am looking at home jobs. you know the virtual assistant or something around those lines.  I even thought about a writer, like an article writer and I could research and submit?  
Thinking while I was doing the laundry, "how is it that our generation seems to be struggling just to live like paying for housing, food, and even believe it or not water.  These are all necessities people need.  Why is it that people have to work and spend money on things that we need. Shelter, food, and water! 
I have someone on a social media I follow and had gone to school with her in Junior High and back then thought,"She is going to be someone and have the perfect relationship and perfect life."  She was popular, gorgeous and I thought had it together.  Today, she is divorced and has two kids ages between 12 and 3 and is now struggling to find work and pawning her things to get by.  Daydreaming, I thought, what if I won the lottery and sent all to her.  Stories like hers make my life seem like cake!  I have no car, no bed, and no job but I seem to be doing alright.  I don't have to pawn anything to even get food on the table.
Then I start thinking of my plans for my future.  Leaving.  I picture her and I in the same boat and all we can do is support eachother on social media by saying, "Stay strong, don't give up!" Days in and days out.  In reality, throwing in the towel would make the whole situation worse, so you keep going in hopes that one day... that job, lottery ticket, or even a neighbor helps out so that your feet would finally touch the ground so you can walk again. Or stand in disbelief for a moment.
What the future holds for any of us is not completely out of our hands as we might think.  Relationships, jobs, location of our towns, homes, and families really can make or brake you.  You not necessarily have to read the future, but look to the next few months or even weeks can help your next years future...or will it?

Stuck in a Rut...finding the right shovel is hard for me

As I was cleaning out my planner I came across a scribbled calculation of last months finance plan. I was to save 259.00 dollars. I never did it.  I crumpled the paper up and tossed it to the trash can and missed.  "God, I can't even get my life straight, ever!" When will it be the day I will actually follow the budget to the T!  I have budgeting and budgeting for the last three years with the same outcome, no savings saved.  I now have to find a different tactic to make the savings work in my budget.  Like find a job that will actually support me and provide my habits... HAHA. No, seriously, I need to find a a better system.  I do have envelopes I use, Groceries, Gas, Laundry, and fun.  I put a side 350.00 for the envelopes.  Now, that is next to impossible due to loss of income.
We, are now worried that he lost his favorite and most paid job of the two he works.  Due to my scheduling.  So, I have to get on the ball and find a good paying job for A) to help with the finances now and then B) my future plans.
The past, oh I'd say, 10 years, we have struggled to make ends meet.  Every year about this time, we are always below the poverty line and struggle to even buy food.  This year is the same.  I often wonder what would make the cycle end?  Move?  We won't move because of the kids, their friends, school etc.  I wonder, what if we did move out of this town and things started to get better?  Would the sacrifice turn things around?  Is that why I want to get out of this relationship just to get out?  Is that plausible?
I stay up thinking of if I did get out of this relationship and move far and away from here, my life does improve and all the stress I have had in the last eight years would vanish.  I would be content, relaxed and was able to support myself again without relying on anyone else.  How happy I feel when I dream about this...
Thus, makes me start writing things down to plan my getaway. Things from items I will take with me, what I would need to purchase to replace of what I leave behind, the budget of all the down payments, shopping, etc.  I have done this for so many years!  Yet, I am still here.  Why?  You ask.  I have a fear of failing.  Not reaching my goals of my dreams.  So, I stay and keep planning.
One day I will be on my own and will probably think, "why didn't I go through with it all those years?"

Cabin fever

So, this weekend coming up is Labor Day weekend and we are going to drive all the way to Casper to see my Foster mother who is in her 80's.
We are going to the cabin on Casper mountain.  I always picture it the I way it was 20 years ago, the lighting, the old ice box now a pots and pans storage, and the scent.  The roped supported ladders are gone and replaced with actual steps.  The National Geographic  magizine case in the back; I always try to fine the oldest one they have and look at the old ads of cars and camers. My foster brother fixed the cabin up so my foster mother could use the cabin a little easier.  But, it's not the same as I remember. It now has a phone hookup and a answering machine. I remember going there and actually being taken away from the world!  Disconnection. Now, times are different that comes with age and technology is more readily available even in the mountain tops.
I hope we go on a hike again with Todd.  He's getting up there too. 60 something , 67! He still takes care of the mountain too.  Wow, I wonder how he's doing with his health....
I miss the good old days when we were all young and can freely move around without a care in the world. Now, I wonder how I will react to the age difference of the many years ago and today.

Reminiscing

I remember Todd would be listening to his new world music in his cabin as I would visit him in the mornings.  He would fill the cabin up with scent of bacon and eggs.  We would chat of caving expeditions he and his friends and his past sister would do together.  He took pictures and maps of  specific areas he had explored  and tacked them on the low ceiling of is cabin.  It literally filled one side of the ceiling.   I wish I had stayed with the Smiths sometimes because of all the adventures they all had and experienced. I envy them all.  Janet was a cave explorer too, if I remember correctly.  They were all explorers. 

In the amount of time between then and now, what will I bring back with me this time?

YOYO life

So, this last semester didn't go as well as I was hoping.  I basically failed college.  I have decided to go back to work.  The wall I have come to hit is that I don't know how to apply with a resume that would be good enough to get the job. I am still not sure of what to put in and leave out considering I haven't worked in four years. The jobs that are posted on the online job sites are jobs I have no experience in and that can be very intimidating.
I have found one job I want to try for and it has a 10 week training and a license test after.  It is a full time job and training starts at 8 am to 4:30 Monday through Friday.  The job is from 8:00 am to 630 pm.
I was like YES! Then I realized the schedule for the kids, D has school at 7:40 am and then gets off at 3:00.  I have no car and the car we have is being used during both times I would need to get and from work.  He has to leave to work at 4:30 and the second job ends in the mornings so he doesn't get back till 7:30.  The training is all the way cross town.
I think I have to start work when the kids are out of the house.
Or, is it me, am I  thinking to much for them and not me?  I could take that job and just focus on me.  Selfish?  Maybe, but at least I will be able to find my path and start heading the right direction.  I have put myself on the line for everyone else's schedule.  What if I did take this job and it all evolved around me finally....
OK, back to reality.  I can't take that job because one, I don't have a car and I will never be able to make it to the training on time anyway and two, I don't know if the training will be to intense for me like taking a math class.  So, as much as I would love to have that job I will not apply for it based on our living conditions.  Boy, not having a car is such a burden.  So, I my new plan is to get a job (any job) and save for a car or lease one...yeah leasing may be good because one I'll have a car and two I could work on my credit at the same time considering I am not going to use my credit cards for some time now.  Yes, times are going to once again hard, no internet, no cell phone data, etc etc.  I hope that I will be able to get out of this rut I have so commonly fall into every few years.  I do ok for awhile and then I fall back down again.  I wonder if it is the location.  I often think of that. The location we live may be the reason we are always on a yo-yo.  It has gone like this since we got out of the Army.  We never left the area.  I think of the locations we could of relocated after we left and how different it all may have been if we left this area.
I think it is time to find a job in a whole new location, state even!  Again, transportation is not our strong point but I do feel there is hope just around the corner.

Miserable relationship, move along eventually

So, today he asked if I wanted to go to breakfast. Immediately I knew where this was going, No Conversation the whole time. Sure enough, there was just us eating. Nothing said. Except, when he complained about a meeting his company was going to have the friday. That was it and when he said it, I didn't on purpose show that I have a hoot. I just continued to eat. 
     Now, this is one of the main reasons I know I'm not growing being in this relationship. Full conversatiins that one, go no where, two, have no meaning, no future of focussing any of it.  This is the reason I want to start going out and meeting peop la who have something going on in their lives that is worth talking about.
     He doesn't bother talking or has any friends that he has a relationship with therefore his conversation skills stink, to say the least.  I wonder sometimes, if I had married Gilbert or Blaine how different my thoughts on relationships would be.  How happy would I be?
     If I had a profile in March for com these would be my standards:
1) would have conversation with crediblity skills
2) is creative in holes
3) is assertive NOT passive
4) lives the great outdoors
5) not cocky, show offy, or rude to others
6) makes money (has a real job)
Now, are these to much to ask for? Do these really exist? Or an I stick with what I have because all the top great ones are dyngnout or taken.
     I try not be to depressed of where so am.  I think I have to be assertive myself to get where ai want to be and who with.

Thinking Positive is key to make life better

So today is leap day and I know it's going to be a great day.  I said so last night.
I vlog about how my data are going etc and I vlogged about how I need to be aware and catch myself on being "mean" to a certain person. Because yes, the future really relies on how I treat people. So, from now on, I'm going to catch myself and think before my actions and words are put out.  I have ro be pisitive in every way.  Hopefilly when the atmosphere is better itll be easier ro notify what is in the future. 
Step one: I will always see the positive way of things everyday.
Step two: I will speak positively about everything and EVERYONE
Step three: I will start the day with at least one positive outlook of the day whether it's food, school, or activies
So, today is going to be great because it is the one day we have extra. It's going to be a positive day no matter what!