It's the second to last week of September and once again we are struggling to pay for what we need for the month. Money was cut by 1/3 this month because I am not going to school and receiving the GI Bill for school. This time of year, birthdays, holidays and school supplies makes it the most expensive time of year. The time I loathe the most.
I wonder sometimes, is it because of the location or who we are?
He is on foot to the store to sell cds to get money for gas for the car. I put some in the car with my credit card but now how will I pay the card off or even the minimum payment? I am not working yet. I am now looking for something to sell to have enough to make a payment. I know dumb on my part. Every time I take the card out for a purchase, I make a note to myself that what I am doing is erasing all I have been working for fixing my credit history. What am I thinking?
I know that if I don't make a change, I will be in this life for the rest of my life. I either have to make a change by moving and leaving or find another pattern to do make me last until I do. Plan:
- Job and save 12% of my paychecks for my moving plan
- buy a car no future car payments
- find a location to move in the future
* location with good work economics
* safe location for me and kids
Now, I know this is the exact plan I have been making for the last seven years and no nothing has happened yet, but I do feel that if I continue to write down my goals, I will succeed them. Even if it isn't in the time frame I want.
"It doesn't matter how slowly you go as long as you don't stop" - Confucius
I may seem that I do stop sometimes, but I don't. I actually plan as I am going, time, where, who, and sometimes those thoughts stall me. For example, I want to leave right, so I start thinking first hand who will this effect. My girls are first and I start thinking if I move, what will they feel? They will feel, loss from their friends, they will be separated from their dad. My youngest will probably loose respect from me because I am no longer wanting to live with their father and she will feel bad for him. My oldest will totally hate me because I made her leave her friends. I will then have to listen to my mother on how bad of a decision I have made and how this will effect the kids for the rest of their lives, aka you are a bad mother. And lastly, He will be sad enough to tell me that he will be living out of his car as he said the first time I told him I was leaving. This is my draw back. I think of everyone else first instead of thinking of what I need. I need my independence and free from the one that is pulling me down, down, down.
Now, I have two options, I leave on a whim without not much explanation or I sit everyone down and tell my plan and take the heat from everyone (I most loathe the most.) The greatest fear of all is that people will talk me out of it and I listen to them. I will then continue the whole cycle of planning my freedom again. People as you can see are highly influential of me.
I have studied how others manage "the divorce, leaving" situation of other people and the same outcome is the same, they make it through alright. Now I know that they don't have the same people in their lives as I do but I am sure that they have had their struggles. I think in the back of my mind, I want to make the whole process perfect so that people don't see me as a loser, the bad mom, or the person who is selfish enough to leave a marriage and break her kids hearts. The fantasy of everything as happy as it SEEMS now to everyone on the outside is a burden to my whole plan.
Lately, I have been working on not making everyone happy, I don't make everyone's snack, do their laundry, or even help with their homework. Letting people know that they can take care of themselves work for them and myself.
I have learned finally, they don't need me all the time. I am going to find a job so they will have to do things that normally I would do for them in a certain time of day. They are all old enough, including the spouse. This way when it time to go, I will have the confidence that I can let go and do what I need to do to improve myself. I think that is the whole real big goal in this plan. In the past 16 years, I feel over the years have lost myself as Me. I need to find that person again and remind that that person, is very important.
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