As I was cleaning out my planner I came across a scribbled calculation of last months finance plan. I was to save 259.00 dollars. I never did it. I crumpled the paper up and tossed it to the trash can and missed. "God, I can't even get my life straight, ever!" When will it be the day I will actually follow the budget to the T! I have budgeting and budgeting for the last three years with the same outcome, no savings saved. I now have to find a different tactic to make the savings work in my budget. Like find a job that will actually support me and provide my habits... HAHA. No, seriously, I need to find a a better system. I do have envelopes I use, Groceries, Gas, Laundry, and fun. I put a side 350.00 for the envelopes. Now, that is next to impossible due to loss of income.
We, are now worried that he lost his favorite and most paid job of the two he works. Due to my scheduling. So, I have to get on the ball and find a good paying job for A) to help with the finances now and then B) my future plans.
The past, oh I'd say, 10 years, we have struggled to make ends meet. Every year about this time, we are always below the poverty line and struggle to even buy food. This year is the same. I often wonder what would make the cycle end? Move? We won't move because of the kids, their friends, school etc. I wonder, what if we did move out of this town and things started to get better? Would the sacrifice turn things around? Is that why I want to get out of this relationship just to get out? Is that plausible?
I stay up thinking of if I did get out of this relationship and move far and away from here, my life does improve and all the stress I have had in the last eight years would vanish. I would be content, relaxed and was able to support myself again without relying on anyone else. How happy I feel when I dream about this...
Thus, makes me start writing things down to plan my getaway. Things from items I will take with me, what I would need to purchase to replace of what I leave behind, the budget of all the down payments, shopping, etc. I have done this for so many years! Yet, I am still here. Why? You ask. I have a fear of failing. Not reaching my goals of my dreams. So, I stay and keep planning.
One day I will be on my own and will probably think, "why didn't I go through with it all those years?"
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