So, today my Aunt and Uncle are coming to visit America from Australia and they are coming for lunch. I know I should be excited considering I haven't seen them since...1986? My intuition is eh. Seriously, I'm not in the mood.
Partly because I feel like a phony in a dissolved marriage no one knows about. I just don't want to be questioned about the two of us. My oldest is coming so it makes it harder to be enthusiastic about that topic. I have to put a front up all the time. I feel that one day Ill have enough and spread it out on the table for everyone to see...of course at the wrong time. That's how I do things it seems.
I tell myself its only going to be a few hours at most. Then, back to the old routine.
Partly because I feel like a phony in a dissolved marriage no one knows about. I just don't want to be questioned about the two of us. My oldest is coming so it makes it harder to be enthusiastic about that topic. I have to put a front up all the time. I feel that one day Ill have enough and spread it out on the table for everyone to see...of course at the wrong time. That's how I do things it seems.
I tell myself its only going to be a few hours at most. Then, back to the old routine.
My spouse didn't go because my youngest is ill and I talked him not going. Much to my surprise he agreed and I was secretly pleased. I didn't want to play the happy wife today, I was to exhausted to be honest. The visit lasted two hours and I was relieved I didn't have to.
I came back a bit depressed. I had a great time talking with them. I realized with the conversations that I need to revamp my lifestyle. My brother was talking about the hikes he had done already. I then asked about what is the average amount of time he takes to hike. He impressed me by saying he hikes five hours average each hike. I though all that time he is out and hiking, exploring and getting sun, I am sitting on the couch or staying in the house all day. Weekends mostly. I don't have a car and that makes a big difference. I am sure that if I owned my car, I wouldn't be inside so much.
More and more I look at my living conditions, I feel like I am in prison, in my home, town and mind. Counseling came to mind every now and again. I need at least someone to talk about what whizzes though my brain. I need to release my thoughts and get some advice of how to manage my thought process and how to find myself in the current conditions I am in now. Maybe, I will be able to finally find a way out through process of elimination but in a kind gentler way than how I plan my way out.
I need conversation, intellectual, educational discussions about so many things. I am dying with out this type of release. Mainly, things I have learned in school. I feel I have learned so much and I wish I could continue my education all the time. I want to with conversation with educated people!
My relationship I am in now is slowly killing me. There is no interaction of intellectual discussions. When there is a starting of one, it quickly fizzles out and I feel disappointed and bail out of the discussion. Repetitive thinking is what I am speaking of; it is the main cause of the dying conversations from either lack of knowledge of the subject or serious impairment of widening the mind of different paths the conversation can lead to by this person. I feel frustrated to the point now, I don't even ask questions because I already anticipate where the conversation will lead. So now, I am disintegrating inside, feels like anyway.
See, my goals are to have a relationship in the future that that person will help me GROW. Teach me new things and open my mind to what I don't know. I don't know a lot! That is the reason I want to leave this one, I am not growing! So, as long as I keep moving forward, I will reach my goal for my self growth. Regardless what others will say or think of me in the future.
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