Learning to write smart

Today I found out that the semester is really exploding.  I have papers to write up the ying yang.  I don't know if I am even going to get them finished.  I did learn my lesson, to not take an English class in the excelled class. Ugh. I am just taking a breather tonight. I'm not going to go near any of it until tomorrow.  This way hopefully my mind will be clearer and more focused. I was walking home and I told myself to look at it like credit card pay offs.  This stress is nothing new and avoiding it just makes it larger.  So that is what I'm going to do, pay off each credit card one at a time. The largest credit card I will work in little pieces. Research here and there and type as I go. Then, take a break after a page or two and later work on the other one,type page then break. Etc,etc.  I do hope it works.

Sinful as sin?

Why is it so easy for me go crazy about someone.  I've only spoken to him on Mondays and Wednesdays.  He's short and petite 5'4. He has small hands, white, like he doesnt see the sun much, hairy narrow chested, slightly bow legged, Walks confidently, has a short beard with a red tint that he likes to touch, wears wire rimmed glasses, very short light brown hair and I think grey eyes, his eyes are like Garfields eyes half opened.

You can tell I have observed his physique quite closely. Now, every night I wonder what he does alone. What time does he go to bed? Since he claimed to be a religious man does he pray before he goes to sleep?  Does he read the bible before he turns off the lights? Does he do his homework online and stays up? Do I ever run through his mind like he does through mine?

These are the questions I ask myself and realize what he meant when he said lust is distraction. NO LIE.  I want to tell him how I feel but only in the times I want him badly.  I then to calm myself and know that if I had said anything that not only would I make a fool of myself but probably never hear from him again.  I want to keep talking to him on the bus on Mondays and Wednesdays.  If that is all I can get I will enjoy what I can. :-)

I know what I feel is very bad considering I am still married but sleeping in a different room and treating this relationship as roommates, but I have desires and needs.  My social health is piss poor so I will take what I can get.

P.s. I dont even know his name.  I have to remember to ask him.

Liberation

My mom came to visit this month.  First at the beginning I am happy to see her and her  second husband of almost 10 years in who I adore.  I try too be the happy daughter happy to see her mother who now lived in Australia the last ten years after a divorce from my adored father.
When she moved to Australia, I was releived.   I have disposition toward her ever since she divorced my father after a two year affair and then fleed the country.  So, I guess my trust and an amount of respect for her has dwindled over the course of the ten years.
I have anxiety whenever she talks about moving back.  I was happy she moved so far away; I was free to do what I felt without her over me judging me and trying to make me her puppet.  So, for the last ten years I felt relaxed and myself, almost.
Now she is talking of moving back! I get a strong anxiety attack rush through me with even the thought of it.  My first thought is to move to the other side of the country; I pray the housing market rises so there is no chance of her moving back.  I don't want her here.  I don't know how to make it any clearer.
Once she said that she wants a "Proper" talk with me.  She said that everytime she comes here she doesnt have time to spend with me.  She doesn't see that I have made it that way on purpose.  I dont want to talk with her, I don't want to hear what she has to say, she judges and tries to control with manipulation. I will not!
I sometimes have the devious thought of a notice on her death. Would I be the only one who doesn't cry with grief? I have this weight vanish, sun shining on my face, birds chirping, leaves dancing in the breeze.
As I walk down the path of ecstasy, my life wil have just begun.
Stop trying to tame me.

My physiological mindset of my weight...so I think

I can't help but always be self conscious of my weight.  You see, I almost look like the weight of hers...and I am adopted.   I have no blood related characteristics from her what so ever.
But, I couldn't help but comparing my body to hers.  I vowed never to look like that, a potato. Now I am one. Sorry mom.
All my life I was always skinny, almost to the point people would ask me if I even ate.  Finally, I got to the point in my young adult hood that I was able find the strength with in myself to wear clothing that revealed my figure.  Before then I was very shy, and hid under baggy clothing such as sweatshirts and baggy jeans.  Now, I feel as though I have to wear the baggy clothes because I now weight 148 lbs with a 39in waist and 37 hips.  Everything else is getting larger to like the girth of my upper arms and I dont have armpits anymore or collar bones (visable)  I HAVE NO NECK!
I can't feel my ribs either.  I read somewhere that if you cant feel your ribs without having to dig for them you are in dire need to loose weight.  Well, that is where I am, sad sad face.
So, I have to watch what I eat, no potatoes,  pasta, bready foods, sugar, and chips etc.
Eating like a vegetarian and walking and swimming everyday I know I can conquer this health issue.
My goal is back to 130 lbs in four months. By October I will be back to smaller pants, shirts, and summer dresses!  I have a green one that I want to wear with shear confidence.  No muffin top, rolls of any kind any where.
Will I make my goal??
I will log my progress on here weekly, foods, what I did for exercise,  and where I am in lbs.
Will go along on the ride with me?