Message: Don't Be Afraid to Change Everything

So today I was picking up my daughter from her friends house, she mentioned that her friend was proud of her mother because she was buying a car for her self.  I didn't really pay much attention  because she was also mentioning that she was leaving the home. Meaning, she was moving on her own, getting her own place, and buying a car of her own.
At that moment, I was like, I have been planning all these years and someone has the strength within to actually do it.  Here I am still "locked in place" hoping my time will come. As I was coming up to the door, I remembered why I was waiting, I want both of my girls out of school and out on their own. Then I will hopefully, have the money and the location where I want to live, and work.
So, yeay for her mother moving out and standing up for her self. Starting her independence.  I will have my day too, someday.

I have been out of work for a long time now, seven months, and I have been thinking, what if I got a job somewhere else and that was my ticket out to move out and on my own? Then I think yeah but the girls are still in school.  I need to wait...

Sadly, that is still four years away,  I sometimes think, am I not worth it? I have to come dead last to spend my last maybe 20 to 30 years alone happy?  Literally, I have MAYBE half the rest of my life to be able to do what I want to do. Maybe less than that to be physically fit to do anything.  Damn, why do I have to wait?

I read and find pictures of 20-30 year old men and women all living on their own in small houses and campers and traveling. I sit there and think, "damn I wish I had the creativeness at that age to live on my own and travel like these youngsters are doing now." 
There was a question on Instagram asking their followers, "What would you (off the top of your head) tell your younger self/"
 One said, "Don't be afraid to  change everything."
That made me see everything today. I feel like even though the question was to the "younger self" I know it was a message to me today.

I think in my age, I was taught to go with the flow and do what you are told and everything will fall into place.  Life will work it's self out.  I have been very conscious on how I do things now a days. 
I ask myself, "Is everyone else doing this?  Has society brainwashed me to do what everyone else is doing? I think, the "Millennials" are doing just that. They see that the society isn't working like the "book" says like I think the Baby Boomers grew up doing.

Baby Boomers were taught the ABC steps for a "successful life." They got to school, complete college, get married and find a job and start a family and buy the house..." Ugh

Now today the students of college are learning the debt they will start off with will burden them more if they follow that route.

They are not getting married as fast, they aren't having kids as soon, and they aren't working the jobs they were promised after a successful completed degree, so now it is back to the drawing board, of where to get the job is it going to support them. Having a baby is so expensive they will hold off, and now  pets such as dogs are the "kids" of the family.  Bravo!

My mom is avid for my youngest brother to get married and start having kids. I feel she doesn't see the money burden of it all. Getting married is nice and all but it is a commitment both parties have to fully and strongly agree it is the right time without the outside pressure.  Then after the marriage, they have to deal with the parents pressuring them to start a family.  At 36-39 years of age, that is a bit of a stretch.  I hope my brother finds the happiness even if they don't get married.
That is my two cents.

Well, once again I have written all over the place.  I hope it wasn't to bad. 

I guess all in all, I hope that my future improves and the Millennials do to.
Until next time. Keep your eye on the ball....

My ball:

Future to freedom

Purging for the Future

Since the fad to purge belongs one hasn't used in six months is blowing up social media, I thought I'd share what I thought about the whole idea. I personally love it. I have gotten rid of shoes, clothes, and items I haven't even layed eyes on for years! 

I also cleaned the fridge out and threw out all the food that we "saved" for leftovers that is never touched by nobody!  I think the new thing I am going to try is buy the food daily for dinner not weekly and save all the food in the fridge. Because sometimes, we don't end up eating the pre planned out dinner. Our fridge is bare but I am much happier than opening the fridge and find moldy food.

I am currently watching a video on Youtube about organizing the fridge and she bought alot of plastic bins to put the food out opened. I tried that in the past and no one in the family saw the organization and just put things randomly in the fridge and it made it worse because I couldn't find a place to put stuff.

Less is more...space.  I have always been a bit of a purger.  I think I learned it from my parents. They would periodically "clean the house" and then have garage sales.  I live in an apartment and don't have a garage. I daydreamed of having a "garage sale" in the apartment where people would come in and items with the sales stickers on them they can take home. I guess that would be a bad security issue idea but it was just a thought.

So, I am a bag lady, I have backpacks, grocery reusable bags, purses... ugh.  I had the coat closet filled with all of them. I finally got rid of a few purses backpacks I found myself keeping why I don't know why.  I think I still need to learn to let go of things and not find everything "useful". Yes, backpacks can come in handy but as many as I have I don't know..

I found that in time I have hung on to items that in the past I would of gotten rid of long ago. Getting older I wonder that because I am are getting closer to old age, I tend to hold on to the past? 

Well, my past hasn't really served me well. I need to look into the future.
Out with the old and In With the NEW!

Change of plans...With in time

Today, I was thinking of how I have been feeling in this relationship. I ask myself, Am I growing, mentally, or am I stuck in a rut of rethinking the same situation over and over? Am I planning to change the situation whether it hurts others as I get out of the situation? What is the collateral damage? My kids, is the only damage I am concerned about.

The reason I am writing this through is because this is the third time I have felt neglected by my whole family.  My kids are teenagers so I understand that they don't want to spend time with me but with another adult in the home who is suppose to support me and maybe ask how I am time to time, and hasn't is something to consider the relationship is close to be ended.

So, lately I have thinking,  I will  make my move out when the girls leave the house so that way it won't feel like I am abandoning them.  Now, I'm at the stage where I might even leave after the oldest leaves. Hopefully, sooner the better.
In the past I have planned to leave and either chickened out or didn't because the economy for housing is hard and expensive.  I calculated my income and I would have never made it. So I postponed the move out plan until the kids are out and I can leave him.

The reason I chose to hopefully leave after the oldest leaves as a sooner move is because I can't wait that long and live this life I am living, sleeping on the floor of the living room, not knowing how much the household makes, where the money he is making going, and the emotional neglect is the worst. Robin Williams had a quote, "I use to think the worst thing in life was to end up alone, it's not. The worst thing in life is to end up with people that make you feel alone." This is exactly how I feel right now and have for a long time.  I think of this quote everyday. I ask why am I tolerating this behavior. Some would say, talk to him.   Whatever I say seems like it goes out of his head.  Then he says very little like is doesn't even matter to him. So, I don't bother.

I think he is over the relationship too and is just hanging on for financial reasons.  I wonder sometimes if he had considered filing.

I had told him years ago I was leaving and he said that he would then start to live out of his car.  I was like no I can't let him do that. I think he did that on purpose to make me feel guilty...it worked. I stayed. He has used manipulation as a tool to get his way. I think he learned that when he was younger.

My dream isn't dead.

I picture myself living alone in Oregon State by the coast like the the place I visited on a trip with my mother. We were on some kind of tour bus visiting all the beaches.  We visited a tiny tourist town.  I was in love I told myself I was going back there to live when I was older. I was hoping like at age 20 or something but now, I think this would be a perfect time to move there.

I can't wait to live on my own.

Starting over with a New beginning

So, I lost my job due to a layoff four days before Christmas.  I forgot my coat there from the rush out of there.  So, Monday I went to pick it up.  I had to stand in the lobby to wait because it is a secured building, and everyone who was going on their breaks outside never said hello, except one guy I got to know .  It was so awkward.   People there are so shady!

Anyway, I thought more and more about what the HR lady said, she said that I could reapply there for next year. Kindly, I said "sure" but in the back of my mind I was like, I would never come back to this place for the world!
Today, proved me right. 

I think it's the people at work that makes it a nice environment.  Shady and fake people in the work area makes me uneasy. 

So, now the new year starts with a clear plate, jobwise, I am so looking forward to work somewhere I can get along with people and once I read them I don't feel like someday they will stab me in the back. Because that is what I feel like with the people who work in the previous job.

I feel like there is a new beginning and it's about time!

Dreams really can come true...Someday

So, lately, I have thought about my future and where I want to be.  I have a friend or a co worker who lives on her own, and she has a very small house to herself. She's divorced with no kids and one dog and now a cat.  The house she said is only 600 ft! I live currently in an apartment of 811 feet and it is small here!
Anyway, when I get older I want to also live on my own. Yes, by myself. 
I have lived on my own before and LOVED it! Then I joined the army...life started from there.
When I was younger I went to Oregon and went on a bus ride to the coast through small tourist towns I mean Small towns! They reminded me of the movie Mystic Pizza, the small town the girls lived in and one of the sisters has her own scooter she drove around the town on.  I remember telling myself, "when I grow older, I am going to move here on my own."  I wish I followed through, now at my age I don't think I would be able to ride a scooter and look as cool as the girl in the movie, HA! But, one day, I do want to have that independant feeling of living on my own without thinking of anyone else than me.  I hope that doesn't sound to selfish but sometimes, you have to remind yourself that you matter and if you have a dream (notice I said have a dream) that one can make it true no matter what time in their lives it happens.
I will make it happen, I will have that front door of my own, my own bedroom, bathroom, kitchen and yes garden :)
Ok, Im off my soap box.
Night
:-)

I No Longer Care

For the longest time, I have always cared of how people see me, if they like me, and if they are talking behind my back.
As I got older, I found how people are so irrelevant.  People at work, everyone outside of the home and sometimes family.  I remember when my mom would come to visit I would clean from top to bottom days before she came over. All other times, I would not give a hoot.
Well, this time I am just going to leave things be this time. What, she's isn't moving in so what if she makes a remark about how we live. Believe me I don't care. If it does bother her she could stay in a hotel.  Actually, she will need to because we don't have the room because we don't have a bed. We sleep on the floor.
Anyway, back to what I was talking about.  I found that the older I get, I have found who I am as if I found the peace of just being me for a change.  I know in the past I have thought about how I would love to have a nice wardrobe, makeup, money and a REALLY nice house.  But experiencing how the economy is I found being under the radar of the poverty line prevents so much stress. I found the more you have the harder you fall.  I've seen and read articles of people who lose so much they worked for and how emotionally they are attached it and it makes them so stressed out. I feel I don't ever want to be in that position. Yeah, it would be nice to have the house, money, and all the trips to Bora Bora etc, but dang to be stressed over all that is not how I want to look back in my life and be upset about it.
So, I found ways to stay in the lifestyle I want.
My philosophy, be thankful for what you have an don't ask or want more.  We are all going to die one day, are we really going to have room in our caskets for all the material things we accumulated?
What needs to be preserved are the memories you leave with the living after you are gone.
So, let go to all the LV purses, the fast cars, HUGE houses and spend the time that was given to you with people who will be able to continue to share the moments in time with next generations to come.

Its finally Saturday. Im alone but happy.  Its quiet and everyone in the house is asleep.  He isnt home yet and usually doesnt until around 830.
I was just reading about an author who lives in Boulder CO. He has a website called the elephant Journal.
I wish I could write, something some would love so much they dont want to put it down. A series, a series of novels that when you finish the last one you are sad and don't want to ever read or think of another character ever ending.
I have watched documentaries of authors like Margaret Mitchell and others and thought at my age they have accomplished so much. Just by having the courage and creativity to write novels.
I have read and heard that the more you write the better you become.  I have to admit that I have tried but I write nonsense.
I don't even use words like writers use, I am simple and inexperienced. Oh, I also can't spell.
 But I hope that the more I read and write whatever, that I learn something that I know that it is in me.  A Novel. IT IS IN ME!