What is New, relatives, Narcissist, bounderies

 So, since I have written here, I have discovered the mental state my mom is. She is a narcissist.  I have in the past researched brain disorders.  I thought she had dementia. but the research showed that the symptoms didn't match.  So, over time I was still trying to figure out what is wrong with her.  Finally 10 years later, I came across a post on a facebook page on narcissistic personality disorder. Someone asked, "what is Covert Narcissism?"  I didn't know what she was talking about.  I didn't know there were different types of Narcissism. I thought it was just one disorder.  Well, I decided to look it up myself.  Turns out, she has most of the traits.  I discovered she was a Covert Narcissist.  I researched what the manimpulations were and the terms.  I finally found out that it is incurable and what to do.  Turns out the best bet was to go no contact.  So, I did. Since late August, 2021, I have seriously been no contact with her.  I blocked her on all contact and I deleted my facebook. The hard thing to realize that it was all a lie this whole time.  I was just a tool for her games.

Lonely and it's snowball

 So, since the election I always find things online that make me laugh and I want to share with someone about the backfires of the knucklehead in the White House. The first person comes to mind is him and now I feel like I can't do that anymore because we are so distant. He is in his room all weekend and doesn't come out even to eat.  So, when ever I have the urges to tell someone something, I just don't.  

"I used to think the worst think in life was to end up all alone. It's not. The worst thing in life is ending up with people who make you feel all alone." -Robin Williams

I often think of this quote when I am alone.  I have all my family members in the house and not one makes an effort to come out to see me or spend time with me.  My daughter does sometimes.  I sometimes sit in the living room and just sit there. Wondering if I am good enough to even to be around with. I get up to the closed doors and sometimes just stare at them wishing they weren't the message of, "no, you aren't worth our time to see you." I often wonder what the kids think of me, am I weak for not leaving when I told them I was unhappy in the marriage and I am still here in the same position I was then. My youngest thinks about the relationship.  She asked me one time that he and I would go out for our Anniversary.  I gave her a "ugh" and tried to change the subject.  My oldest got upset over something and I asked her if she wanted to talk, and she said in the mist of the conversation that no one in the family likes each other.  She meant the marriage relationship too.  So, I think it would be best if we would just end it.

I have read up on the term 'convenience marriage."  That is exactly what I am in right now.  I help pay the bills, the rent, the groceries, help take the kids places, clean the house and yet I don't feel like I have any benefit for any of it.  I try to reward myself  for what I do.  It just isn't the same.  I want someone to tell me how well I am coping, doing, cleaning etc.

So, I am back to planning my escape.  I am saving as he is spending.  I am storing as he is also storing and hoarding.  I think of that day I am ready and I double check my plan, lists, items for the go and then give him the news and...Leave.  

I also think of the time I will have to myself, what I would do with myself and how I will feel after the task has been taken place.  I know at first I will be intimidated by the time alone and what I have to do to stay afloat.  I have lived on my own before,  I have bought my own groceries, gas, rent, clothes...CLOTHES! I haven't bought my clothes for me in a while!  That'll be nice.

There will be nights that are lonely.  But they are now. What is the difference.  Just I can say I don't have a room that is partially closed and I peek in to see what he is doing to see what it'll make me feel like.  Why do I do that? I feel even more lonely when I do that. Why do I do that? Codependency?  Wow. I remember when I was living by myself I told myself I would never become dependent to another person, here I am subconsciously codependent.  

I need to get out! I just need to stay on task and not let up.  I still have a couple of years.  If I last that long.

Hooded Eyelid Fix!

So I have developed hooded eyes with my old age.  I have thought about surgery to fix it but what if it gets blotched!

Finally, I came across the lid tape! I have tried it and I am addicted!

Triggers

I am going to write about triggers I have currently and how they are affecting me.

1.  I feel excluded.  I grew up in a house with the family of six. I use to do things with my brothers and parents all the time.  Now I have my own family in an apartment, but it is different, I am out in the living room and they are all in the bedrooms either on their phones or tvs.  They come out only to get something to eat.  They don't say "hi" or anything. When the second half goes somewhere anymore, he doesn't ask if I would like to go with him. My kids don't want to do anything with me anymore at all.  This leads me to my next trigger.
2. I feel ignored.  My kids only seem to talk to me only when they need me to do something for them or take them somewhere. Other than that I am just another home decor.  Since I sleep out in the living room, everyone else has doors.  They close them and I feel like it is a message to me to not talk to them or even visit them.  That's the message I get.  I sometimes stand in the hallway in front of the doors wondering why it is the way it is. This causing me to be affected by another feeling,
3. Feeling unloved.  When my immediate family members are in their rooms (remember I stay out in the living room) with their doors closed, I feel I am not worth for them to come out of their rooms to spend a second with me.  I have become irrelevant to them, non existent and like I mentioned ignored.  
4. I feel trapped.  Living in an apartment with people whom you'd think would treat you like family but don't, I feel like I am in a prison.  I may be creating this myself but I feel as though I am with in walls that were built within me.  How do I plan to escape the walls? I have plans. They will take the future to continue to break down the walls but soon one day I will be free of all of this.
5 Lack of passion on all members of the family.  There are no outings, discussions on future plans, and most of all finance is of no relevance.
6. I feel uncared for. I may also have built this in my brain that another person needs to take care of me, but it does come hand in hand of family members to watch out for each other and care for one another.  I do try to practice self care but there is also a stimulant that everyone needs from another who is living with them under the same roof.  I am lacking that sort of stimulation and it can scare in the future I feel.

These are the triggers I currently sustain and soon will be evaluating myself in the near future to correct and become stronger.
I have found that I have more work to do to end the turmoil.

Update yet to come...

What makes self care so hard to do?

In the few years, I have been trying to focus on myself and my mental state.  I call it self care but I think it is more than that.  I have suffered from depression and it still lingers time to time.
I now have chosen to make myself come first. Well, at least try. I have to say it isn't easy.  I still have to do stuff for others and find after I haven't done anything for myself.

This blog is going about What makes self care so hard to do?

I have found that over the years I had a priority list when it came down do take care of things. My kids always came first, buying clothes, eating first, their time with friends etc.
Now, they are older and are starting to learn self independence.  They have now learned how to do their own laundry, they can cook a little not a whole dinner but small meals.  So,  now I have found that there is some openings for myself.  What can I do to put me first.
First I have learned to say "no" to requests that A) they are capable of doing themselves, and B) lesson on time management.  In the past they have both come up to ask me for help on school projects that are due the next day and I would jump to their rescue.  This is when they were in elementary school and I understood they couldn't get the time management down just yet, so then was parenting duty to help them.
Now, I have put my foot down to them both that I will not help them on a request so close to a deadline.  They need to learn to manage their time even if it causes them to fail a time or two.
I have learned to limit my time driving, assisting and doing things in the past I jumped to make their lives less stressful.  I have had my time of stress and I also learned to manage my time to alleviate that.  I now must focus on my time and mental health and physical health.
Today, I have made notes on eating, exercising, and relaxing.  I have also written in my planner when to take care of myself each day.  I know this may seem redundant each day to remind myself to take care of myself but if I don't remind myself, I will go downhill mentally.
I have to stay on top of it.

Well, until the next time, 
Take care of yourself and Always Forward!

Message: Don't Be Afraid to Change Everything

So today I was picking up my daughter from her friends house, she mentioned that her friend was proud of her mother because she was buying a car for her self.  I didn't really pay much attention  because she was also mentioning that she was leaving the home. Meaning, she was moving on her own, getting her own place, and buying a car of her own.
At that moment, I was like, I have been planning all these years and someone has the strength within to actually do it.  Here I am still "locked in place" hoping my time will come. As I was coming up to the door, I remembered why I was waiting, I want both of my girls out of school and out on their own. Then I will hopefully, have the money and the location where I want to live, and work.
So, yeay for her mother moving out and standing up for her self. Starting her independence.  I will have my day too, someday.

I have been out of work for a long time now, seven months, and I have been thinking, what if I got a job somewhere else and that was my ticket out to move out and on my own? Then I think yeah but the girls are still in school.  I need to wait...

Sadly, that is still four years away,  I sometimes think, am I not worth it? I have to come dead last to spend my last maybe 20 to 30 years alone happy?  Literally, I have MAYBE half the rest of my life to be able to do what I want to do. Maybe less than that to be physically fit to do anything.  Damn, why do I have to wait?

I read and find pictures of 20-30 year old men and women all living on their own in small houses and campers and traveling. I sit there and think, "damn I wish I had the creativeness at that age to live on my own and travel like these youngsters are doing now." 
There was a question on Instagram asking their followers, "What would you (off the top of your head) tell your younger self/"
 One said, "Don't be afraid to  change everything."
That made me see everything today. I feel like even though the question was to the "younger self" I know it was a message to me today.

I think in my age, I was taught to go with the flow and do what you are told and everything will fall into place.  Life will work it's self out.  I have been very conscious on how I do things now a days. 
I ask myself, "Is everyone else doing this?  Has society brainwashed me to do what everyone else is doing? I think, the "Millennials" are doing just that. They see that the society isn't working like the "book" says like I think the Baby Boomers grew up doing.

Baby Boomers were taught the ABC steps for a "successful life." They got to school, complete college, get married and find a job and start a family and buy the house..." Ugh

Now today the students of college are learning the debt they will start off with will burden them more if they follow that route.

They are not getting married as fast, they aren't having kids as soon, and they aren't working the jobs they were promised after a successful completed degree, so now it is back to the drawing board, of where to get the job is it going to support them. Having a baby is so expensive they will hold off, and now  pets such as dogs are the "kids" of the family.  Bravo!

My mom is avid for my youngest brother to get married and start having kids. I feel she doesn't see the money burden of it all. Getting married is nice and all but it is a commitment both parties have to fully and strongly agree it is the right time without the outside pressure.  Then after the marriage, they have to deal with the parents pressuring them to start a family.  At 36-39 years of age, that is a bit of a stretch.  I hope my brother finds the happiness even if they don't get married.
That is my two cents.

Well, once again I have written all over the place.  I hope it wasn't to bad. 

I guess all in all, I hope that my future improves and the Millennials do to.
Until next time. Keep your eye on the ball....

My ball:

Future to freedom

Purging for the Future

Since the fad to purge belongs one hasn't used in six months is blowing up social media, I thought I'd share what I thought about the whole idea. I personally love it. I have gotten rid of shoes, clothes, and items I haven't even layed eyes on for years! 

I also cleaned the fridge out and threw out all the food that we "saved" for leftovers that is never touched by nobody!  I think the new thing I am going to try is buy the food daily for dinner not weekly and save all the food in the fridge. Because sometimes, we don't end up eating the pre planned out dinner. Our fridge is bare but I am much happier than opening the fridge and find moldy food.

I am currently watching a video on Youtube about organizing the fridge and she bought alot of plastic bins to put the food out opened. I tried that in the past and no one in the family saw the organization and just put things randomly in the fridge and it made it worse because I couldn't find a place to put stuff.

Less is more...space.  I have always been a bit of a purger.  I think I learned it from my parents. They would periodically "clean the house" and then have garage sales.  I live in an apartment and don't have a garage. I daydreamed of having a "garage sale" in the apartment where people would come in and items with the sales stickers on them they can take home. I guess that would be a bad security issue idea but it was just a thought.

So, I am a bag lady, I have backpacks, grocery reusable bags, purses... ugh.  I had the coat closet filled with all of them. I finally got rid of a few purses backpacks I found myself keeping why I don't know why.  I think I still need to learn to let go of things and not find everything "useful". Yes, backpacks can come in handy but as many as I have I don't know..

I found that in time I have hung on to items that in the past I would of gotten rid of long ago. Getting older I wonder that because I am are getting closer to old age, I tend to hold on to the past? 

Well, my past hasn't really served me well. I need to look into the future.
Out with the old and In With the NEW!