The ride

"Hold to your seats because it's going to be a bumpy ride." -Bette Davis in "All About Eve"

At Wit's End

Ok, so it's like I can't get what I have been wanting for 7 years.  Finally I get up the courage to take that one step to get it started and at the end it all falls through...almost, I am shooting before loading but that is where I feel where I am. I don't know if the BAH paper will come in on time and most importantly the Finanial aid will go through....I have never had such bad luck and bad timing in my whole life.  What is this?! I have had thoughts about what if this doesn't follow through and I became stuck still in this relationship I am hating so bad right now...I'd kill myself just to get out.  It isn't  that the relationship is abusive, or anything I just cant live like roommates anymore. There has been nothing there and I am done. Sleeping on the living room floor for 4 years is way to long to keep going like this.  Sleeping on the living room  floor with all of my belongings in the living room because I already moved out for 4 years is madness.  It has to stop.  I am trying and for some reason the walls just popped up and everything could fall through...I am at wits' end.  I WILL MAKE THIS WORK. IT WILL HAPPEN

My Future processing...please hold

Changing my major is one of the big changes I have made to improve my life.  I was going for Social Worker but the further I got along I felt more and more depressed.  Finally, I decided that I should go into business type of classes. So, decided on Communications. So far the classes  are just what I needed. I think I am going to bring up my GPA with these classes. 😃  So I am excited for my new life and the future to come.  Finally, I feel like Im going down the right path.  I know it isnt going to be easy at first but there is going to be a time where I look back at the accomplishments  I did to get there will be mine.  I am hopeful.

"Once we accept our limits, we go beyond them." - Albert Einstein

Bedding

Time for patience with myself

Ok, so I've watched enough classic movies over the weekend. Now, it's time to be productive. Clean apartment, buy groceries and write out new apartment application.  Yes, you read me right, I'm moving out!  It's a scary task because not because I'll be living on my own, but because  I have to break the news to my girls that...their father isn't coming.  I also have a huge fear of failing. Not being able to pay for everything, not buying a car in time of winter, and applying for the temporary assistance I'll need to get my feet on the ground in a reasonable time.  I hope I have the  patience with myself to take day by day, through the good days and the most terrible ones.  Patience is one of my weaknesses on myself. Partly, growing up I was naturally slow at things and I was always frustrated of how far behind I got doing things compared to others.  So, today I'm hard on myself on getting things done and right the first time.  What I have to learn is that I'm human I will make mistakes.  I ghostedhave to learn to stop and think things through.  Then take the necessary action.

Place to big

Colorado Springs is only 200,000 less than Denver in population. Really? I have to move

Mother's day 2015

So, its Mothers day and Im already not really feeling it, right. So the breakfast is made, the one card is opened and everyone goes back to what they all do most, the internet tablets and computers.  I kinda didn’t mind, I actually wanted a day all by myself.  Later, I went shopping guilty feeling after a 26 dollar payout to Bath and Body Shop and 45 dollars on my paid off Kohls card. So, I went shopping for myself, I deserve it.  After all, I buy everyone else shoes, pants, and shirts. Why in the world do I have to feel guilty for spending my own money on myself?  Where does the feeling come from? Who taught me that anything I buy can’t go to me. 

Now, it’s 10 P.M. at night and everyone goes to bed.  EVERYONE! Im stuck alone doing laundry until well past 11 P.M. No one asked me if they could do it for me, and you know who Im talking about…Im tired, Ive been debating again whether to leave when planned and the more I think about it I have too.  Yeah he’s been nice yadda yadda yadda but I feel like I don’t matter enough.  Tonight is a perfect example, he knew I was doing laundry he didn’t even offer to help.
I guess Happy Mothers day to me, the kids laundry still needs to be done..goodnight while you slave drive through the night while I watch whatever on the computer. (FU)

I guess I sorta expected this, Im exausted, I'm wishing things would change, I have to make the change. If I want things done nice for me I will do the deed. RIGHT? I mean who told me to rely on others to show they care and want to do whatever for me.  I think Im done now...Im so exhausted.