Fading fading away... future looks bleak

Ok, so this second half of this semester is going to say the least, shitty.  I have 3 papers due this week and I havent the foggiest how to do them, political science is a given, I know nothing about it even after a semester of it, and sociology's three theories in gyms has confused the heck out of me, like its to general or something, and Ive never experienced a gym enough to have the slightest idea to program it in the three theories for the paper.

I have come to the conclusion, that I am just going to have to take the hit this semester.  Political science, I already flunked out I think. All the exams I failed.  So..yeah...  English Comp II we are doing classical research with hypothesis, topic proposal, outline, thesis, bibliography annotaions...I mean, I got totally lost.  I can just do the research and then write the paper.  My teacher has so much busy work, warmups in class, reading logs?! With six logs per reading times 2. Really? I seriously dont have time for that.  I think next time Ill have to get a different teacher.

Ok, that is my griping about school.

The positive outlooks of this semester.
I have learned a lot of what the classical research asks for so now I know what to do.  Sociology class, um...hmm how society works as a whole? Ok, next! Political science, to read the book and not rely on the lectures.

Well, Im guessing I will have to look for a job here soon. School needs a break.

Toxic

For fourteen years I've lived here, in this town and it has given me nothing but bad vibes.  Why did I live here for so long you ask? It takes a lot to get to me, Im an optimistic person, "It'll get better." I settle for anything slightly better.  Well, I have finally come to the conclusion that I am not going to "settle" any more.

I know I have plans to leave and live on my own with two in tow.  I know that yes I will struggle in the beginning just about in every aspect. IN EVERY ASPECT.  I know that is why I have settled for SO long. I would now rather stuggle and call that my own than settle with what I am dealing with now.

My goals are short term:
-find a job that pays at least 11.00 $ an hour
-clean my credit up and raise my score
-save without dipping in
-buy/lease a car

Long term goals:
-finally afford monthly budget
-move from this town
-with cleaner credit, buy a new small house
-vacation by myself
          -florida
          -San Francisco
          -Bora Bora

In the mean time, I have begun slowly, maybe slower than I should be working on leaving.  Our lease is up in end of September and I pray that time I dont cave in and keep staying, because one: he hasn't looked for a job to cover expenses, two: the kids.  I can't go year after year again going through the same "settlement" living I have lived for the past seven years.

Im not happy, that is clear.  I have to take it in my own hands, for me.

My goals I have above are tentative, but they are there.  They are my rope, hope and hand to help me see what I need, my kids need me to be.  I hope that one day I will look back and know that I made it to my goals.  It could take years, months, or even weeks. They are there, maybe for eternity

Update:
Well, it's 2016 and I am..you guessed it, still here.  What had happened was September came and I told him that I was leaving. Unfortunately, he manipulated me by saying that he was going to love out of his car.  I fell for it and said I'd sign the lease but will leave later. Five months later, I am still getting things in order. The main issue is the rent has risen so high that I can't afford it. But, I am storing and organizing my things so when I do find an affordable place, I'm  OUT!  I might have to wait until the rent is up for renewal. I am hoping to actually move in April 😊. Fingers crossed

Roommates no more

Today we went to the library.  I try to stay there as long as I can so I dont have to come home, I dread coming home.  On our way out, I picked up the apartment catalog with a slight hope of a chance of moving out, my own place so I dont have to stay out for the very reason of not going home.
"What is the price range  for the apartment?" My oldest asked.
"Well, we pay 641 now so 700 at the VERY most." I said
My youngest said, "becuase papa has a job?"
I cringed at this question, they still dont know how much I want to leave. Thoughts of the girls and I coming home just my place flew through my head. I clenched my fist.  I never responded. I have to keep that to myself until it is time to tell them.
I sort of get an anxiety attact driving closer and closer to the apartment. I dread unlocking the door and seeing him there, you are not welcome, please not be in the living room watching tv. That's my space.
I sleep in the living room and my dresser and all my clothes are all on the chair, my stuff is all stuffed in between the tv table and the dresser.  I shouldnt have to live like this. There should be a freedom where you dont feel like a prisoner.
Two weeks ago, I typed out the "Goodbye letter" and dated it for this month, January.  I havent found the time to have the guts, words to give it to him. I beleive the next week is it.  I gave him 5 months to find a job.  That is the month I am moving out.  I plan to ask the manager of this apartment complex if I take my name off of the lease and lease my own apartment here will i get the $534 rent amount a new resident would pay, if not I will have to find another place.
I know I have waited to long and wasted so many years, but I think this year is my year. Things will be different, more challenging and sometimes scary.  But I have to face these fears for me...I just cant live like this anymore.

Second year...What a start...thus move forward Always Forward

Well, the second year is in just past the midterm. I have to tell you, this semester is suckin' this year.  The first sign was when my geology teacher dropped me for no reason the second day of class.  Now, I have taken 2 quizes in the archaeology class and pretty much bombed them both, got the draft paper back with a no go (which the final draft is due in 8 days), I have almost sunk deep in the quick sand of jeopardy.  My grade point average is going down right before my eyes. 

If I do go down in defeat, I shall keep my head high and keep moving on.  Yes, I know that even that my goal of the best gpa of my life has been disrupted, I know by the time I die that today and every day must go on and to never look back for it will bring me down. That isn't what life is about, it's about learning what you can handle whatever comes up...and keep moving.  Nothing will stop for a bad grade, day, or moment.  Move forward!  ALWAYS FORWARD DRILL SARGENT!  (basic training 2001)

Learning to write smart

Today I found out that the semester is really exploding.  I have papers to write up the ying yang.  I don't know if I am even going to get them finished.  I did learn my lesson, to not take an English class in the excelled class. Ugh. I am just taking a breather tonight. I'm not going to go near any of it until tomorrow.  This way hopefully my mind will be clearer and more focused. I was walking home and I told myself to look at it like credit card pay offs.  This stress is nothing new and avoiding it just makes it larger.  So that is what I'm going to do, pay off each credit card one at a time. The largest credit card I will work in little pieces. Research here and there and type as I go. Then, take a break after a page or two and later work on the other one,type page then break. Etc,etc.  I do hope it works.

Sinful as sin?

Why is it so easy for me go crazy about someone.  I've only spoken to him on Mondays and Wednesdays.  He's short and petite 5'4. He has small hands, white, like he doesnt see the sun much, hairy narrow chested, slightly bow legged, Walks confidently, has a short beard with a red tint that he likes to touch, wears wire rimmed glasses, very short light brown hair and I think grey eyes, his eyes are like Garfields eyes half opened.

You can tell I have observed his physique quite closely. Now, every night I wonder what he does alone. What time does he go to bed? Since he claimed to be a religious man does he pray before he goes to sleep?  Does he read the bible before he turns off the lights? Does he do his homework online and stays up? Do I ever run through his mind like he does through mine?

These are the questions I ask myself and realize what he meant when he said lust is distraction. NO LIE.  I want to tell him how I feel but only in the times I want him badly.  I then to calm myself and know that if I had said anything that not only would I make a fool of myself but probably never hear from him again.  I want to keep talking to him on the bus on Mondays and Wednesdays.  If that is all I can get I will enjoy what I can. :-)

I know what I feel is very bad considering I am still married but sleeping in a different room and treating this relationship as roommates, but I have desires and needs.  My social health is piss poor so I will take what I can get.

P.s. I dont even know his name.  I have to remember to ask him.

Liberation

My mom came to visit this month.  First at the beginning I am happy to see her and her  second husband of almost 10 years in who I adore.  I try too be the happy daughter happy to see her mother who now lived in Australia the last ten years after a divorce from my adored father.
When she moved to Australia, I was releived.   I have disposition toward her ever since she divorced my father after a two year affair and then fleed the country.  So, I guess my trust and an amount of respect for her has dwindled over the course of the ten years.
I have anxiety whenever she talks about moving back.  I was happy she moved so far away; I was free to do what I felt without her over me judging me and trying to make me her puppet.  So, for the last ten years I felt relaxed and myself, almost.
Now she is talking of moving back! I get a strong anxiety attack rush through me with even the thought of it.  My first thought is to move to the other side of the country; I pray the housing market rises so there is no chance of her moving back.  I don't want her here.  I don't know how to make it any clearer.
Once she said that she wants a "Proper" talk with me.  She said that everytime she comes here she doesnt have time to spend with me.  She doesn't see that I have made it that way on purpose.  I dont want to talk with her, I don't want to hear what she has to say, she judges and tries to control with manipulation. I will not!
I sometimes have the devious thought of a notice on her death. Would I be the only one who doesn't cry with grief? I have this weight vanish, sun shining on my face, birds chirping, leaves dancing in the breeze.
As I walk down the path of ecstasy, my life wil have just begun.
Stop trying to tame me.