Cake, Icecream, and tea time

Have you ever had the kind of day where you can't seem to get a grip to anything you do?  That's what it was like for me today.  It started this morning when I was washing my hands and I felt like something was off.  I told myself, "looks like today is going to be one of those days. Remember to take it in stride."  I know this because in the past, I have had these days and I let it get to me. I get frustrated and seem to miss deadlines, my typing is slow or can't type the words that are spilling out of my head.  With every mishap and every miss I do during the day I remind myself that I let the "chips fall where they may"  the closer I get to my breaks, lunch break and my last break of the day it is closer to the end of the day and that day will END. 

And the day ends.  I use to say, "tomorrow is a new day and things will get better."  I now know that that isn't always the case, it could be a better day but things still throw me off enough to want to throw up my hands and go back to bed.  To find the strength within is to continue forward.  That's why my new year motto is, "Always Forward"  I got that from my basic training drill sergeant.  I haven't used it since then but now for some reason now it makes sense. 

Throughout the years since I got out of the army, I feel like we have always struggled and that made us stronger because we learned that through all the rough patches in life, life will always go on and on and on whether you like it or not, you have to make little things in life that make you happy to get yourself through the times in life.  

Tonight, I ate cereal, a chocolate covered donut, ice cream and my chocolate cake in a mug and my favorite tea. Now I know that is not the healthiest dinner but I had to do what I needed to do to make me feel better about today.  I said, "I need to treat myself for making it through the day without spilling my beans."  I did.  I don't regret it or will punish myself for the choice of dinner meal.

Tomorrow, I will treat myself to a healthy meal and hopefully prepare myself for the next day of work.

I know I struggle emotionally but I have to remind myself I have me to take care of, psychologically and physically.  

You should too.

Night!

Don't Read the GH article

So I was browsing through an article from Good Housekeeping and came upon an article about a mother at 43 years of age is praised for looking "Decades Younger." At the same time I'm watching "Mom" on the tv.  I seriously thought about reading the article to see if I could look decades younger...are you kidding? So I decided to place my life relations to the show "Mom."  I am not an alcoholic but I have locked myself out of the car, woke up late for work and can't cook real dinners for my kids when I get home from work.  So, my question is, is reading an article about one single person who looks decades (I'm not sure how many, I am guessing 20 years) younger than 90 percent of the women population good for me?  No I told myself and I wondered why do magazines like to probe women about other women (the 10 percent of the women population) who are thinner and "looking younger" so important?  I look at myself 20 years ago and think, yeah I was thin, clean skin had thicker hair.  Now, at the ripe age of 40+ I feel I can look at myself as a real person, not a model or an actress who only lives on lettuce and exercises 24 hours a day.
So, going back to the article.  So the picture they have is on the left side is the woman in a..get this...hospital gown in a hospital bed because she Just had a baby. Oh, I neglected to say that the woman had given birth to seven babies.  The right picture is of her taking a selfie with her phone in yes you guessed it, work out clothes tight as a tube sock.  She's firm, legs are shapely, and breasts are as of a 20 year old.  I am sure no exercise move would of perked those girls up but whatever.  I have an issue with this article is that it's saying, "if this woman can have seven babies and workout and look this good you can too."  Really?  ok, I will go and work out and not have a life so I can fit my coffin when I die, of exhaustion!
Look, I just want to say to those who are reading this is be proud of who you are and what you wear, and how you see yourself, and love every part of you.  You are you and no mama with a tight tush will make you feel better about yourself when you when you look into the short or tall mirrors everyday.  YOU have to remind yourself that everyday is your day and what you do is what you need to do to make you love you.  Take a bath, eat the cake, walk half a mile if you can't go the whole mile.  Just know that you can only do the best you can to make you feel good about yourself.  Yes, we all have the days we look like shit and can't get things to go right all day.  Let it go.  Please don't read the article about the seven kid mom who now looks like she's 20.  Age gracefully and know you are doing it the best way you know how.
K?  So if you see any types of articles like these to make you feel like you are not doing it right, tear it out and throw it away!

Love you always! Always Forward!

Living alone but not alone

So lately, I have been feeling so alone and unappreciated.  I get home from work but no one acknowledges me.  I have teenagers now I know that they can be moody and stuff but it makes me feel like I am doing something wrong all the time like cooking the wrong dinners, talking to them, or even trying to give them a hug.  I have to remind myself that I was literally like that to my mom.  I didn't want to talk to her, spend any time with her or anything.  She actually totally annoyed me.  So, I have to remind myself that this is a faze all teenagers to through.  So, now as I sit alone in the living room I wonder, if I were single  would I feel this alone?  The reason I ask myself this is because I live literally out in the living room.  I sleep out here and eat out here sometimes in hopes that someone (like my spouse) would like to sit with me and spend some time with me.  I have made dinners in the past and sat down at the table as a silent message to come sit with me and he still went into his bedroom to eat.  So I sat there alone to eat.
I know in the past I have spoken on leaving and living on my own because the relationship is not working.  But I am trying to repair what has been cracked in the relationship.  I may have been to subtle about it.  I wonder if I speak to him I can get out of him what the relationship really means to him.  I feel like it is a comfort relationship.  We literally live like roommates.  I don't know if I can repair it to what a marriage relationship is suppose to be based on society's standards.
I have thought about that in the future  after the kids move out, I move out too.  I have a friend who didn't have any kids and she is single. She divorced later in her life too. I often think of her and how she spends her time alone, with friends, and life in general.  She lives in a small house with a vegetable garden and I think two dogs.  She watches cable tv and has her own cell phone service.  She wears stylish clothing just for her not to impress no men or anyone.  She gets a lot of compliments.
I often think if I will be able to succeed in this dream of living on my own as simply as hers.  I want a small one bedroom house with a big backyard for a garden or more.  A dog for company and cable tv.  Yep, she is living my dream. I think sometimes when someone else is living the exact dream I want, that since it is already being lived that it isn't available to me anymore.  I have to find a different path.  But so what I want to live exactly like hers.  I don't have to live exactly like hers.  I will shoot for that goal starting by paying off my credit card debt and my student loan, then hopefully by the time I get to move out I will be financially ready.
I really got off track this time.  I was talking how I felt now. what is the term you are suppose to live in the present. HA! I live in the future apparently.  That isn't a bad thing either.  Planning and writing it down does help your mind think and reevaluate things.  For instance, I plan to buy a house for myself and when the time comes the housing market goes waay up and I can't afford a house at that time.  I have to think of a plan B, and that would be... sigh, move into an apartment. Of course it would be temporarily.  But then I would have to budget for that.  Renting now a days is more than having a mortgage payment in some places.  Even renting a house!
So back to the topic of living here with "family" and feeling the way I feel.  I find myself crying by myself due to the loneliness.  I kind of feel better but I know it will happen again.  I don't know if I I am more sensitive emotionally because I don't have anyone to talk to or maybe hopefully it is my hormones.  I hope I snap out of it and learn that that one day I will be living on my own I won't have anyone to wish to come into the room and ignore me.  I will never have a roommate ever again.
Well, I have ran out of steam on this topic.  See you next time.

Me flying into the New Year...

Merry Christmas to me.  I just got a email from my student loan that was on deferment that I had a payment due in get this NOVEMBER!  Im like where was the bill sent to me to make that payment?  So now I am late with that payment. Sigh...I was going to pay off my credit card bills with my Taxes...if I get any. Now I have to weigh whether to pay off the loan and make the payments on my credit cards for the next 10 years..ok that was an exaggeration but I wanted to wipe my credit card payments out!  UGh! I thought 2018 was going to my way up! Saving, paying off my bills hopefully saving and buying a car!  Now I have to look forward to no job again, struggling to find a job and then getting behind on my bills, again.  I have this wall I chisel down and then the wall builds back up faster than I can break down.  I feel like I'm falling apart.  Over and over and over again.  I still keep chiseling that same stupid wall over and over and over again!  I wonder if I move and maybe my luck will stay here and I will be able to start new.
Look at me, I am writing my troubles on here for the whole world to see.  I have troubles and so do other people.  People will read this and say, "Ha, look at this one, she has the same problems as everyone else and she thinks this is going to do her some good venting on a blog page. Ha!
Well, hopefully, to all you people laughing at me I will vent enough that I will figure out a way to make all the problems in the world to go away and EVERYONE won't have anymore problems.
I'm kidding, I will vent..and..and if you don't like it well, don't read it.
Ok, where was I...Oh! Yes, my wonderful life.  Oh, now this stress just decided to show itself, my kids come running to me to unclog the toilet. Like seriously?  I have to now unclog the toilet and get toilet water all over me?  I did get the toilet unclogged and yes a butt load of toilet water on ME! I give up luckily the day is over and tomorrow is Friday and I have a 3 day weekend.  So I will get so much done. I am going to use my new waffle maker and make waffles for the freezer and clean the house like we are moving out.  Three days people three days! I have all that time to somewhat put my life together for at least, yep, three days.  Next week the bathroom is going to be a pig house, kitchen is going to have dishes alll over the counter the counter is going to be so dirty and stained and the floor...ugh..I can't wait.
I will though use my new bath soak I got for Christmas and lotion...ehhh? Mom's  spa day!
Well, I guess I feel better now.  We'll catch up later.

Decisions and Why I made them

So my questions are when you get older, do you lose more and more of your patience with people no matter who they are?  Is it something that could have been built over the years through experiences?  Is there a cure?

Over the years I have grown more and more wanting to live on my own.  Only I find that I want to do things my own way I daydream of having my own house, apartment, and maybe my own pet like a dog this time.  Being married you learn things about the other half.  Things they do that could help or hurt the relationship.  In my case, I feel like the actions or lack thereof is hurting and not helping the livelihood of the relationship no matter how hard I work to improve it.  It has going on for years now and the relationship has fallen into "roommate" status.  Why don't you just leave? You ask?  Here's why...

I have lived on my own back when I was in my early 20's.  All I can remember is how relaxing it was.  I come home from work and is able to immediately relax and eat what I wanted without thinking of who can't eat this and if anyone will like that.

Living alone wasn't all happy all the time.  I did have times where I felt alone and no one cared if I was alive or not.  The phone wouldn't ring for days.  I thought about this a few times while daydreaming and found that yes there are going to be times where I will crave some company but I will have control of that; I can choose to join a book club, cooking class or anything out of my comfort zone.  I can also control who to have in my world too.  I don't want to be the single old lady that no one knows and starts rumors of me baking green cookies and luring kids in my house to eat them like in the 1980's "Brighton Beach Memoirs."

I have been married for 17 years now and things are changing in the verge of separation.  I am neither sad or mad for the life change because I know that relationships change because people change or in my case don't.  I mean I am surely not the same person I was 20 years ago and neither is he ( I think).  I have learned that each year teaches you something you didn't have the year before.  Adding up all the lessons, I feel like I would like my independence back and I'm excited, I have new dreams.  One of them is living on my own.  Some people get scared about living on their own.  I won't lie I have too, but the dream is much to strong to pass up.  Some obstacles have come up that have altered my dream over the years.

One issue today is the housing real estate.  Owning or even renting is expensive and that may put a damper on the whole plan.  Although, this plan may not happen for at least three to five years still.  I have to work on my credit now too.  But there are plans I can make within the allotted time. For instance, location.  Where in the five years would I like to live?  Live in the same state?  Different state?  Own? Rent?  How much money do I plan to make a year when the time comes?  How small or large steps will be able to make?  All of these are accounted for for me to make the dream come true.  I don't know if I'd be able to me the move fully.  I may have to move to a place here then gradually move to where my planned location is. It will take some time.

The reason I say that I have to work for at least three to five years, is one my kids have to graduate from high school.  Maybe they will move out on their own. (Hopefully)  Then I will not have to worry much about "holding the family together" because quite frankly, currently I am running out of energy with that term.  Secondly, I have to find my ground, to find the time, courage and keep intact with my plan.  I have literally planned leaving for I think about 10-11 years now.  The only reason I stayed so long is because of the kids.  I am an Empathist.  I don't want to have people suffer for my goals for myself.  I know people out there in the world wouldn't understand because we live in the "Free World" we are suppose to have that freedom to say, "I am no longer happy, therefore I am going to leave."  That's all great and all but there are also bridges you have to cross and decide whether you are going to burn them or not based on the people who have become to trust you.  Those people to me are my kids.  I chose to sacrifice my time for them.  Plain and simple.  When the time comes, I will then leave.

What I wanted to make a point on is that people's relationships are all different.  Decisions to make for a break on a life's decision that was once made in the past can go both ways for both sides.  The choices that one makes may impact only that person or a whole line of people.  I weighed on this for years, that's why it has taken me this long to make my whole decision of leaving when the kids are out and on their own.  I am not saying that when THEY are out on their own I will abandon them because I want to be single and living on my own, I will always, always be here for them no matter how far away they go.  They are and always be my priority.

My dream is a work in progress and when the time comes I will know that it is time for me to take action and move forward.  I have time to still tweak here and there.

Hard times draw the fear in but it's the move that will make the fear disappear

Today is the second day of the third week of October.  I was hoping I was going to at least have an interview for any of the jobs I have applied for by now.  Nothing.  I have a bill I have to pay for and I don't have a scent in either of my banks.  I have a pair of earrings I am trying to sell for the price they are worth. I had them partially appraised but no paperwork to go with them.  I haven't had any offers for them either.  If I had it my way, I would have sold them for at least 100 dollars.  That way, I could pay off my bill and not worry about it anymore.  I would then find a job that pays enough to support myself and the girls.  That would be about 19,800.00 dollars a year.  I could totally make that work for the three of us.

I know times are hard now but I am always optimistic of the future now matter how often it doesn't happen.  Every year I think this way, and every year it turns out the same.  I read somewhere that if it isn't your time it won't happen.  I wish it wouldn't take it's sweet time!  I have been in this boat for too long.  It's time to get my Jordan's on and make the leap.

The time I make that leap, I think that my luck will change.  So, what am I waiting for?  Probably for my fear to subside.  Fear takes over me and holds me down.  In my past I always asked others for support or more like approval.  Today, I don't have people to discuss what my plans are and if they are suitable for my future.  Having someone to help me decide what is best for me has probably hurt me more than helped me. I now rely on that hand to walk me through my difficulties.  I have to eventually learn that this is my life and I need to take charge of what needs to be done for me to make me happy.  It isn't in any other persons hands or minds what is good for me.  I have to now remind myself that what I do may be consequences but mostly will help me build my mind strength to move forward and do it alone. Not every move is going to detrimental.  Most moves will take me to the right direction that I have needed in so many years.

Fashion for Women over 40 vs Me

As I scroll through Pintrest, I find the most amazing outfits that I would love to try on.  I then remember the times I try on clothes in the changing rooms, I'm out of shape, my waist is thicker than my bust and my back has rolls and my legs are...normal.  The clothes I see online and pin them to my "I'd Love to wear this  board, I think to myself "yes, I would love to wear these very cute chic outfits but would they like being worn by me.
There is a site now that you can join by giving your age height and your favorite style and a "stylist" will look through your Pintrest page and find something to fit your liking and send it to you.  You then try it on and if you like it you buy it, if you don't you send it back. The service is either once a month to three months apart.  A credit card is required to join the service.  I think about if I join, how much of the clothes the stylist sends to me would I keep? Most of the time, I am not happy with anything I try on even with the high hopes I would find something I love to walk out of the house in and feel confident.  Lately, I have been in sweat pants and workout shirts because A) They are comfortable and B) I don't have a single nice thing to wear THAT FITS ME.  I do have nice clothes, they don't fit me anymore.
Currently, I am jobless and looking for work online is hard and without having any interview clothes, I am in loss.
Pintrest is helpful though.  I find that my sense of style needs a huge up grade.  Patterns, colors, and shape.  I tend to go toward the straight safe look.  I have now figure really, no waist, like a walking potato.  How do you dress a potato?  That has stumped me for ages.
I still have no answer but, I am hoping Pintrest does. So, I have followed pinners who are posting clothe styles for women over 40.  Some are still for the 20 year olds and so some of the pins are scrolled past. Now, some of the styles I see are very intriguing and open my mind to a new sense of dressing today.  I have bought some scarves and boots and a few other pieces but I didn't know how to use them.  With the help of Pintrest, I have a better idea how to use the accessories.  So, this next year, I am hoping that I use Pintrest to my own good!  Wish me Luck1