Hard times draw the fear in but it's the move that will make the fear disappear

Today is the second day of the third week of October.  I was hoping I was going to at least have an interview for any of the jobs I have applied for by now.  Nothing.  I have a bill I have to pay for and I don't have a scent in either of my banks.  I have a pair of earrings I am trying to sell for the price they are worth. I had them partially appraised but no paperwork to go with them.  I haven't had any offers for them either.  If I had it my way, I would have sold them for at least 100 dollars.  That way, I could pay off my bill and not worry about it anymore.  I would then find a job that pays enough to support myself and the girls.  That would be about 19,800.00 dollars a year.  I could totally make that work for the three of us.

I know times are hard now but I am always optimistic of the future now matter how often it doesn't happen.  Every year I think this way, and every year it turns out the same.  I read somewhere that if it isn't your time it won't happen.  I wish it wouldn't take it's sweet time!  I have been in this boat for too long.  It's time to get my Jordan's on and make the leap.

The time I make that leap, I think that my luck will change.  So, what am I waiting for?  Probably for my fear to subside.  Fear takes over me and holds me down.  In my past I always asked others for support or more like approval.  Today, I don't have people to discuss what my plans are and if they are suitable for my future.  Having someone to help me decide what is best for me has probably hurt me more than helped me. I now rely on that hand to walk me through my difficulties.  I have to eventually learn that this is my life and I need to take charge of what needs to be done for me to make me happy.  It isn't in any other persons hands or minds what is good for me.  I have to now remind myself that what I do may be consequences but mostly will help me build my mind strength to move forward and do it alone. Not every move is going to detrimental.  Most moves will take me to the right direction that I have needed in so many years.

Fashion for Women over 40 vs Me

As I scroll through Pintrest, I find the most amazing outfits that I would love to try on.  I then remember the times I try on clothes in the changing rooms, I'm out of shape, my waist is thicker than my bust and my back has rolls and my legs are...normal.  The clothes I see online and pin them to my "I'd Love to wear this  board, I think to myself "yes, I would love to wear these very cute chic outfits but would they like being worn by me.
There is a site now that you can join by giving your age height and your favorite style and a "stylist" will look through your Pintrest page and find something to fit your liking and send it to you.  You then try it on and if you like it you buy it, if you don't you send it back. The service is either once a month to three months apart.  A credit card is required to join the service.  I think about if I join, how much of the clothes the stylist sends to me would I keep? Most of the time, I am not happy with anything I try on even with the high hopes I would find something I love to walk out of the house in and feel confident.  Lately, I have been in sweat pants and workout shirts because A) They are comfortable and B) I don't have a single nice thing to wear THAT FITS ME.  I do have nice clothes, they don't fit me anymore.
Currently, I am jobless and looking for work online is hard and without having any interview clothes, I am in loss.
Pintrest is helpful though.  I find that my sense of style needs a huge up grade.  Patterns, colors, and shape.  I tend to go toward the straight safe look.  I have now figure really, no waist, like a walking potato.  How do you dress a potato?  That has stumped me for ages.
I still have no answer but, I am hoping Pintrest does. So, I have followed pinners who are posting clothe styles for women over 40.  Some are still for the 20 year olds and so some of the pins are scrolled past. Now, some of the styles I see are very intriguing and open my mind to a new sense of dressing today.  I have bought some scarves and boots and a few other pieces but I didn't know how to use them.  With the help of Pintrest, I have a better idea how to use the accessories.  So, this next year, I am hoping that I use Pintrest to my own good!  Wish me Luck1

Thinking on a positive note from now on...wish me luck

So, tomorrow is Monday and I feel like I am kinda ready for the week.  Last week and the week before, motivation was essentially dead. I didnt look for a job, clean house or much of anything. This weekend though, I did clean the walls, the grimy doors, and the base boards! I felt like I made such progress.  I vacuumed, dusted cleaned the bathroom and finally file the stack of papers that wers accumulating on the file box.  I also cleaned the desk so this week I can get some work done (aka job searching.)
I am hopefull that there is a job out there waiting for me to succeed and make progress from my now boring and dull life.
I wrote a message to a friend about my lack of progress in the job hunting and how I may have to find work in another stae.  She asked where and my dreamy mind went to Maine and Vermont.  Dreams I know, but there could be protential in my future in making my way that direction. I then started googling houses and the morgage average in the area and viewed youtube videos on Portland, Maine.
Why do I dream of living in Maine you ask? Because it is so far away from here.  It's by the ocean and you can wear sweaters there more often.  Getting the LLBean catalog also helps. The leaves in the fall, and the blues greys and greens call out to me for the change of views.  I love the Rocky Mountains dont get me wrong, I just crave something as beautiful but away from here. Somewhere cold.

Yesterday, I was thinking of my blogging. How I have been basically writing about the same thing, complaining on my current living conditions. None of it is up lifting now that I think about it. From now on I will think on more positive out look on my soon to be future. I know it isnt going to be peachy clean and wild daisies but the mind can really over come alot in ones life no matter where they are coming from or going.
So now, I begin my journey to a more positive out look for my future.  Bad days, bring it! Im not falling for your crocodile tears. Sunny happy days are here to stay!

The Form to help walk you through your plans

So, I was cleaning the living room so I could roll out my bed and I came across this piece of paper.  I came from my daughters school and I thought that I could make use of this. 

Goals and promise to follow through form for me to use for my future.  I think this isn't just a good idea for kids but for adults too!

Paths, Walls and Possibilities

Without the help of social media, how many people have you past in your path.  My point is, how many actual people are actually making a difference in your life, without posts of what they made for dinner or trips they have taken or inspirational memes.
I thought back and found no one.  Not a single person I know I have crossed paths in the past oh, say, 10 years.  So, what does that tell me?  How alone I am? No, just that I am a introvert and that maybe I need to start thinking of getting out more. Meet more people in groups or something.
What got me start thinking about this, I was scrolling through Facebook and found a lot of people that I use to cross paths with. They have lives!  Some are even living out of the country with Master or Phd. degrees  married with smiling babies.  Babies...at the late ages of 35 and 40 now.  I have teenagers and have been married for 16 years, and yet I am bored, lost and a no one.  Ok, so I am not a no one per say, I am just not as active? I don't initiate or haven't in the past to get to where I need to be.  So, where do I start now?
The reason I ask this is because lately, I feel I am in a prison, locked down marriage with no money, job or experience to get out.  My life has become my prison.  To dig a hole with what I don't have seems impossible.  Nothing is impossible, I have my hands to dig with.  Right? Work with what God gave you?  I don't believe in God, so maybe I have to stay literal and work with what I do have...my brain.  Mind over matter they say, though have they ever had to actually work with my mind?  Fear, doubt, and a huge wall  I have built in the late 10 years stands before me.  Finding away to tear it down seems next to impossible.  But who's to say that it needs to be torn down. Why not climb over it and sit on top, see as far as the eyes can see.  Possibilities are possible.  Dreams can come true no matter how much you plan for them, sometimes, you just have to jump.  Something has to break in the fall.  Hopefully it will be the fear and doubt.

Progress continues and time is on my side

It's the second to last week of September and once again we are struggling to pay for what we need for the month.  Money was cut by 1/3 this month because I am not going to school and receiving the GI Bill for school.  This time of year, birthdays, holidays and school supplies makes it the most expensive time of year.  The time I loathe the most.  
I wonder sometimes, is it because of the location or who we are?  

He is on foot to the store to sell cds to get money for gas for the car.  I put some in the car with my credit card but now how will I pay the card off or even the minimum payment?  I am not working yet. I am now looking for something to sell to have enough to make a payment.  I know dumb on my part.  Every time I take the card out for a purchase, I make a note to myself that what I am doing is erasing all I have been working for fixing my credit history. What am I thinking?

I know that if I don't make a change, I will be in this life for the rest of my life.  I either have to make a change by moving and leaving or find another pattern to do make me last until I do.  Plan:
- Job and save 12% of my paychecks for my moving plan
- buy a car no future car payments 
- find a location to move in the future 
   * location with good work economics
   * safe location for me and kids

Now, I know this is the exact plan I have been making for the last seven years and no nothing has happened yet, but I do feel that if I continue to write down my goals, I will succeed them.  Even if it isn't in the time frame I want.  

"It doesn't matter how slowly you go as long as you don't stop" - Confucius

I may seem that I do stop sometimes, but I don't.  I actually plan as I am going, time, where, who, and sometimes those thoughts stall me.  For example, I want to leave right, so I start thinking first hand who will this effect.  My girls are first and I start thinking if I move, what will they feel?  They will feel, loss from their friends, they will be separated from their dad.  My youngest will probably loose respect from me because I am no longer wanting to live with their father and she will feel bad for him.  My oldest will totally hate me because I made her leave her friends.  I will then have to listen to my mother on how bad of a decision I have made and how this will effect the kids for the rest of their lives, aka you are a bad mother. And lastly, He will be sad enough to tell me that he will be living out of his car as he said the first time I told him I was leaving.  This is my draw back.  I think of everyone else first instead of thinking of what I  need.  I need my independence and free from the one that is pulling me down, down, down.

Now, I have two options, I leave on a whim without not much explanation or I sit everyone down and tell my plan and take the heat from everyone (I most loathe the most.) The greatest fear of all is that people will talk me out of it and I listen to them. I will then continue the whole cycle of planning my freedom again.  People as you can see are highly influential of me.

I have studied how others manage "the divorce, leaving" situation of other people and the same outcome is the same, they make it through alright.  Now I know that they don't have the same people in their lives as I do but I am sure that they have had their struggles.  I think in the back of my mind, I want to make the whole process perfect so that people don't see me as a loser, the bad mom, or the person who is selfish enough to leave a marriage and break her kids hearts.  The fantasy of everything as happy as it SEEMS now to everyone on the outside is a burden to my whole plan.

Lately, I have been working on not making everyone happy, I don't make everyone's snack, do their laundry, or even help with their homework. Letting people know that they can take care of themselves work for them and myself.  
I have learned finally, they don't need me all the time.  I am going to find a job so they will have to do things that normally I would do for them in a certain time of day.  They are all old enough, including the spouse.  This way when it time to go, I will have the confidence that I can let go and do what I need to do to improve myself.  I think that is the whole real big goal in this plan.  In the past 16 years, I feel over the years have lost myself as Me.  I need to find that person again and remind that that person, is very important.

Goals Are Still There as a Reminder with Every Interaction of Conversation

So, today my Aunt and Uncle are coming to visit America from Australia and they are coming for lunch.  I know I should be excited considering I haven't seen them since...1986? My intuition is eh. Seriously, I'm not in the mood.
Partly because I feel like a phony in a dissolved marriage no one knows about. I just don't want to be questioned about the two of us. My oldest is coming so it makes it harder to be enthusiastic about that topic. I have to put a front up all the time. I feel that one day Ill have enough and spread it out on the table for everyone to see...of course at the wrong time.  That's how I do things it seems.
I tell myself its only going to be a few hours at most. Then, back to the old routine.

My spouse didn't go because my youngest is ill and I talked him not going.  Much to my surprise he agreed and I was secretly pleased.  I didn't want to play the happy wife today, I was to exhausted to be honest.  The visit lasted two hours and I was relieved I didn't have to. 

I came back a bit depressed.  I had a great time talking with them.  I realized with the conversations that I need to revamp my lifestyle.  My brother was talking about the hikes he had done already.  I then asked about what is the average amount of time he takes to hike. He impressed me by saying he hikes five hours average each hike.  I though all that time he is out and hiking, exploring and getting sun, I am sitting on the couch or staying in the house all day.  Weekends mostly.  I don't have a car and that makes a big difference.  I am sure that if I owned my car, I wouldn't be inside so much.  

More and more I look at my living conditions, I feel like I am in prison, in my home, town and mind.  Counseling came to mind every now and again. I need at least someone to talk about what whizzes though my brain.  I need to release my thoughts and get some advice of how to manage my thought process and how to find myself in the current conditions I am in now.  Maybe, I will be able to finally find a way out through process of elimination but in a kind gentler way than how I plan my way out.

I need conversation, intellectual, educational discussions about so many things. I am dying with out this type of release.   Mainly, things  I have learned in school.  I feel I have learned so much and I wish I could continue my education all the time.  I want to with conversation with educated people!

My relationship I am in now is slowly killing me.  There is no interaction of intellectual discussions.  When there is a starting of one, it quickly fizzles out and I feel disappointed and bail out of the discussion.  Repetitive thinking is what I am speaking of; it is the main cause of the dying conversations from either lack of knowledge of the subject or serious impairment of widening the mind of different paths the conversation can lead to by this person.  I feel frustrated to the point now, I don't even ask questions because I already anticipate where the conversation will lead.  So now, I am disintegrating inside, feels like anyway.

See, my goals are to have a relationship in the future that that person will help me GROW. Teach me new things and open my mind to what I don't know. I don't know a lot! That is the reason I want to leave this one, I am not growing!  So, as long as I keep moving forward, I will reach my goal for my self growth.  Regardless what others will say or think of me in the future.